June 07, 2005
Our Friend, Senator Kennedy
Our Friend, Senator Kennedy
Unsurprisingly, dear reader, the mailbox here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” headquarters is routinely chock-a-block with all kinds of delightful missives. Given the unparalleled popularity of this humble “weblog,” it is only natural that we receive well-nigh thousands of epistles a day from adoring fans.Every once in a while, however, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” happen upon a particularly special letter. And such was certainly the case a few days ago, when we received a communication from one Senator Edward M. Kennedy of Massachusetts.
The Official Authentication Department here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—which is made up of the very same people who verified those 60 Minutes documents—assured us that the John Hancock at the end of the missive belongs to Senator Kennedy himself. Or, at least, a Microsoft Word document.
Anyway, dear reader, perhaps you are somewhat amazed that we have received a letter from such an impressive political eminence. Well, you ought not to be. As far as the Democrats know, we have been major campaign contributors since Maxine Waters was a youthful race-baiter.
We hate to be ostentatious, but we figured we’d offer you a snippet of the correspondence, so that you can see how much better we are than you. The missive begins as follows:
Dear Friend
It is now clear that George Bush, the Republican Senate, and the entire Republican Party are in the clutches of the most reckless parts of the extreme right wing.
Again and again, they’ve shown that they’ll do anything to pander to the most irresponsible actions and the most destructive parts of the agenda of their hard-core zealots.
Pretty impressive, is it not? You’ll note that Senator Kennedy has called us his collective “Friend.” Obviously, we’re pretty tight. Perhaps that’s a result of all those early morning martinis we’ve shared?
Anyway, our old chum Senator Kennedy continues his letter to us with a picture of “George Bush’s wish list.” Our Official Authentication Department assured us that this “wish list” is authentic, because it bears the heading “From the Desk of George Bush,” and is written in cursive. Doesn’t everyone have stationary that reads “From the Desk of” and then offers their name? We know we do.
This document contains three George Bush “wish list” items:
Destroy Social Security—Privatize the most successful social program in the nation’s history, slash benefits, pull the safety net out from under seniors, and add trillions of dollars to the national debt.
Give Lifetime Appointments to Judges Who Are Beyond the Pale—Re-nominate the seven absolute worst federal court nominees from the first term, and demand that Republican Senate lap dogs approve them, even if they have to destroy the Senate rules to do it.
Pillage the Environment—Support allies in Congress that have done an end run on drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, who are busy rewriting other basic environmental rules to please their corporate polluter supporters.
We know what you are thinking, dear reader: President Bush has a heck of a lot on his plate! Can’t he add a nap to his “wish list”? We hope that the President pleases his all-important “corporate polluter supporters.” They pretty much handed him the last election.
Frankly, dear reader, we are a bit miffed to discover that President Bush’s “wish list” looks a heck of a lot like our “wish list.” Perhaps one of his toadies got his dirty right-wing hands on our “From the Desk of the Crack Young Staff” stationary.
Except for one difference: We aim to give lifetime appointments to judges who are beyond the pail.
