June 10, 2005

What Will Howard Dean

What Will Howard Dean Say Next? A Clairvoyant Speaks Out

Literate members of the American public undoubtedly recognize that Democratic Chairperson Howard Dean has landed himself in hot water of late. As numerous media outlets have discussed, Chairperson Dean seems congenitally incapable of controlling his mouth. In short, he’s a veritable one-man Hate Speech Machine.

For instance, Chairperson Dean recently declared that the Republican Party was essentially made up of those horrid people called white Christians. Apparently, Chairperson Dean forgot to mention the manifold Jewish interlopers who hoodwinked the Republicans into invading Iraq for the sake of Jew-run corporations.

We assume that Chairperson Dean will soon make up for that lapse.

It appears as if Chairperson Dean does not find the Republican Party suitably “diverse.” Perhaps it could prove its appeal to larger swaths of Americans if it could draw in the upper-middle class white, suburban Yalies who make up Chairperson Dean’s entire voting base.

Anyway, this has all made us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” wonder: What will this loopy white Christian say next? Will Maxine Waters soon distance herself from Chairperson Dean’s pronouncements?

Good questions, those. And we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have recently hired an honest-to-goodness clairvoyant to answer these and kindred spine-tingling queries. In fact, yesterday afternoon, various members of the crack young staff—let’s just call them “Chip”—peppered this clairvoyant with inquiries about Chairperson Dean’s future pronouncements.

We should inform you, dear reader, that this clairvoyant is no medium medium. He’s a veteran of numerous telephone psychic hotlines, and has spent (literally) minutes informing people of their inscrutably ruinic futures.

As such, we’re certain that you’ll enjoy taking in our soothsayer’s take on Chairperson Dean’s future sayings. If our rent-a-prophet proves prophetic, Chairperson Dean, like Lucy, is going to have a lotta’ splainin’ to do:

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Rent-a-Prophet Projections of Unfortunate Statements Soon To Be Stated by Stately Howard Dean:

1. “Orlando, Florida is hotter than a Puerto Rican Ferrari.”

2. “The only thing I hate more than closemindedness is people who disagree with my opinions.”

3. “Perhaps Hitler was guilty of monstrous crimes. But we shouldn’t prejudge him.”

4. “I am sick and tired of hearing right-wing politicians carp on the moral failings of others. That’s just another reason why I’m certain Tom DeLay deserves to go straight to hell.”

5. “The few Republicans who do an honest day’s work are prostitutes.”

6. “My speechwriter is Heinrich Himmler.”

Posted at June 10, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack