The Art of the “Link”

The Art of the “Link”

But they’d think wrong. For we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” like Madonna, have been around the block, and we’ve ascertained a thing or two. As Joseph Stalin used to say, “Learning is half the battle.”

We mention this, dear reader, because we have decided to use today’s humble post as an opportunity to teach the masses a few tricks of the “weblogging” trade. After all, well-nigh half our readership is functionally literate. A few even have the requisite skills to write in sentence fragments.

So, we collectively asked ourselves, why not show them a few of the Internet ropes? As the dim bulbs at CNN keep informing us, pretty much anyone can have their own “weblog.” Why shouldn’t we help our readers make the best little “weblogs” that no money can buy?

Without too much in the way of further ado, then, we can get on to our lesson for the day: The all-important part of “weblogging” we e-connoisseurs call “linking.”

Let us remind you, dear pupil, of precisely what a “link” is. It’s one of those thingies on a “website” that you can click on with your thingy, and will take you to a different “website.”

Well, now that we’ve cleared that up with our typical articulateness, we can move on to dilate on “linking” skills. For there is, in fact, a right way and a wrong way to “link” to fellow “webloggers.” And, if you “link” improperly, you are likely to make yourself look awfully foolish.

For starters, young Internet tyro, you must do your best to craft “links” that will maximize the number of people who will click on them. That way, you can offer your fellow “webloggers” the misimpression that your humble “website” is more popular than genital warts.

Nothing stings more than offering an overwrought “link”—of the “You simply have to visit this ‘website’” variety—and finding out that exactly two people have clicked on it. That’s the kind of thing that has ruined e-careers.

So, how do you make the most of your “links”? We’re glad we made you ask. First, make sure that your “links” are suitably enthralling. They must get your readers’ e-juices flowing. For instance:

Holy Horse-feathers! We can’t believe that this guy isn’t wearing any pants!

Or

Boy, this is one naked pizza party that she’ll never forget!

Or

Wow! A naked midget!

Or

You’ve got to see this: Denny Terio, the whilom host of “Dance Feaver,” gets caught overexposed with a Doberman.

That ought to get the readers a-clickin’.

And so, dear reader, this concludes our little Internet learning session. Tune in next week, when we discuss the Art of Italics, and other swarthy Mediterranean types.