June 16, 2005

Desultory Musings Pertaining to Sexual

Desultory Musings Pertaining to Sexual Misconduct Unrelated to Michael Jackson

If you’re anything like us—and, quite frankly, dear reader, that isn’t bloody likely—you are utterly fed up with the “weblogosophere’s” obsession with Michael Jackson. For those of you a few steps behind the media circus, let us inform you that a recent court case proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that pop star Michael Jackson is categorically not a homosexual pedophile.

Well, we’re glad that thorny question is solved. We were starting to get the unfortunate impression that Michael Jackson is a little creepy. But, heck, he’s just been acquitted, so he’s obviously a regular guy like you or us. Perhaps we’ll celebrate by getting our 14,532nd nose job and sitting in an oxygen tank.

Anyway, as content as we are to know that Justice, like the Burger King customer, has been served, we’re positively irked by the incessant pontificating about the Jackson trial. One simply can’t turn on the television without hearing Dan Abrams blathering on about it all.

Do we really need to hear what Jermaine Jackson’s view of the whole matter is? As far as we’re concerned, that’s about as interesting as hearing G. Gordon Liddy’s take on Deep Throat. (It turns out that Mr. Liddy isn’t a big fan; who would have thunk it? As to the movie Deep Throat, Mr. Liddy thinks it's just grand.)

As a result of all our displeasure with Michael Jackson saturation, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have decided to dedicate today’s humble post to a subject other than Jacksoniana. So far so good.

In fact, we’re so serious about our aversion to things Jacksonian that we have determined that we shall not even mention Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” or Tito Jackson’s “career.”

So what, you may or (more likely) may not be asking yourself, is the crack young staff going to discuss? We’re glad we made you ask.

All this chatter about Michael Jackson has made us nostalgic about the halcyon days of sexual misconduct. You know what we mean, dear reader: The earlier, more innocent, carefree days of sexual impropriety.

As such, we have resolved to discuss Marv Albert.

Now that is a guy who made appalling sexual deviancy classy. And Mr. Albert appears to enjoy the company of those who are at least past their latency stage, which is more than you can say for the whilom King of Pop.

Nor is Mr. Albert a narcissistic oddball who requires the latest hair weave in order to make television appearances. In fact, as far as we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are concerned, Marv Albert is a paragon of propriety. Except for the fact that he enjoys biting chicks.

But, heck, we all have our shortcomings.

Posted at June 16, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack