June 23, 2005

“It’s Simile Time,” with Dick

“It’s Simile Time,” with Dick Durbin, Charlie Rangel, and the Folks at Amnesty International

As Americans who keep up with the political fussin’ and a feudin’ in Washington know, numerous figures associated with the Left have made heads turn with their less-than-appropriate comparisons. New York’s Charles Rangel, for instance, in a typical example of his mellifluous obtuseness, likened the Iraq War to the Holocaust. Senator Richard Durbin has also ruffled some feathers by claiming that the Guantamo Bay detention facility is akin to Nazi concentration camps and the Soviet gulag.

And let’s not forget our friends at Amnesty International, who characterized the self-same detention facility a gulag. William Schulz, the USA’s executive director of Amnesty International, called a long list of American officials—including President Bush—“high-level architects of torture.”

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” believe that all these overwrought comparisons make clear that our friends on the political Left are having some difficulty making quotidian analogies.

Accordingly, in a typical demonstration of support and solitude, we invited Messrs. Durbin, Rangel, and Schulz to play a new game we’ve helpfully devised. We call it “It’s Simile Time,” and we are delighted to inform you that Howard Dean, the illustrious chairperson of the Democratic National Committee, will serve as its host.

Chairperson Dean, you’ll recall, is famous for declaring both that the notion of an “Axis of Evil” demonstrates conservatives’ dunderheaded simplicity and that all Republicans are evil. As such, we figured that Chairperson Dean would be the perfect host for the inaugural edition of “It’s Simile Time.”

Without much in the way of further ado, then, we’ll let Chairperson Dean take it away.

IT’S SIMILE TIME with your host, Howard Dean

Dean: Hey there, folks. And welcome to “It’s Simile Time,” the game show that allows leftists the opportunity to demonstrate their superior mental skills. I’d love it if our studio audience could extend a warm “Yaaaaaarrrrhhh” to our contestants: Dick Durbin, Charlie Rangel, and Billy Schulz.

[Audience applause]

Dean: Okay, we’re ready to play our game. Let’s start with “Tricky” Dicky Durbin. Senator Durbin, for fifty points, can you please tell me something that’s akin to Chicago.

Durbin: Hmmm, Howard, that’s a tricky one. Something that’s like Chicago? Well, gee, you’d figure I’d be an expert on that. Gosh, um, I suppose I’m going to go with Haiti. Yeah, that’s right: Haiti. The weather’s the same, the political climate’s the same, and the murder rate is similar.

Rangel: Geez, Dick. Why you got to be crackin’ on Haiti? Just because it’s black? That’s the kind of simile I find offensive. No, it’s deeply racist. Can’t you just make a quick comparison to the Holocaust and leave it at that?

Dean: Hold on there, Congressman. We’ll get to you in a minute. I’m sorry, Senator Durbin, but the correct DNC answer to “what’s akin to Chicago” is: The gulag.

Schulz: Oh, man, that one was so easy. I could have told you that.

Dean: Alright, Mr. Schulz. You have an opportunity to show the leftists and moral cretins who make up our studio audience just how smart you are. Here’s your question: Name something similar to Stalin’s gulag.

Schulz: Oh, wow, that’s tricky. I see how you turned the tables on me. Something akin to Stalin’s gulag, eh? Well, I’d have to answer Condi Rice.

Rangel: Condi Rice? Are you out of your mind? The gulag isn’t even a person! At least you’re not picking on black folk.

Dean: Congressman Rangel, now it’s your turn. For fifty points, please answer the following question: Name something that’s like Buffalo, New York.

Rangel: The Holocaust.

Dean: Is that your final answer?

Rangel: Yes, Howard, that’s my final answer. Who do you think you are? Regis?

Dean: Congratulations, Congressman Rangel. According to our DNC rulebook, you’re correct. And this means you’ve won tonight’s installment of “It’s Simile Time.” Al Franken, will you tell the Congressman what he’s won?

Franken: Certainly, Howard. You’ve won a lifetime supply of “Feeling Morally Superior to Others Even Though You’ve Ably Demonstrated What an Ignoramus You Are.” And a bottle of hair tonic.

Rangel: Oh, wow! Hair tonic!

Posted at June 23, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack