July 13, 2005
Senator Dick As has been
Senator Dick
As has been covered ad nauseam in the American press, Senator Dick Durbin of Illinois ruffled feathers by blithely comparing the American detainment facility at Gitmo to Nazi concentration camps and the Soviet gulag. Such a collation was so shockingly obtuse that it may have compelled George Voinovich to cease his three-month cry-fest over the nomination of John Bolton.Like any God-fearing citizens of these here United States of America, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were appalled by Senator Durbin’s obscenely inapt comparison. What, we collectively thought to ourselves, was this tomato-headed nincompoop thinking?
Just the other day, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” had the misfortune to take in another Dick Durbin performance. And frankly, the addlebrained Senator from Illinois was so irksome that we positively pined for more Nazi comparisons. Come on, Dick, we mused, call Karen Hughs a wanna-be Heinrich Himmler. But stop pontificating on national television.
What, you may be asking yourself, was Dicky D doing that disturbed us so? Well, we’re glad you asked.
Senator Durbin was browbeating the bigwigs at the Corporation for Public Broadcasting for merely suggesting—perish the thought!—that PBS and NPR aren’t exactly paragons of ideological evenhandedness. To Senator Durbin, the fact that NPR has become Al Jazeera with a less perceptible accent means that it must be completely bias-free.
After taking in this Dick’s display, we found ourselves hurling large objects at our staff television. We know it may seem a bit overwrought. But Senator Durbin was belittling the notion that Bill Moyers—PBS’s answer to Karl Marx—is engaged in liberal advocacy journalism! Is this man certifiably insane?
A little while later, dear reader, we collectively calmed down. To be honest, we’re a bit embarrassed that Senator Dick got our dander up. After all, there’s something more than faintly ridiculous about an elected official who wants the government to interfere in all matters—except public television.
Attempting, as usual, to make lemons out of lemons, we decided to offer a list of potential shows that Dicky D would consider acceptably unbiased. Although we have not run this imagined program guide past Senator Dick’s office, we have the distinct impression that he’d dig it.
Without further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” proudly present:
Senator Dick Durbin’s Dream PBS Lineup:
1. “Current Affairs with the Editorial Collective of Social Text”
2. “White Flight from Mr. Kucinich’s Neighborhood”
3. “Howard Zinn Reports”
4. “Racism Today with Louis Farrakhan”
5. “Tom Paulin’s ‘Kill the Zionists’ Hour”
6. “Charlie Rose”
7. “Are You Being Bombed?” (a sit-com written by Harold Pinter)
8. “The Anti-American Road Show”
