August 24, 2005
Efficiency at the DMV As
Efficiency at the DMV
As we have noted numerous times of late, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have recently moved to our new Official Headquarters. Understandably, this journey to our current resplendent digs has necessitated a certain amount of to-and-fro. In short, we have spent the better part of the past few weeks running errand after errand. After errand.Yet no task was as unbearably wretched as the one that we completed yesterday. For, on that most unpropitious of days, we collectively trekked over to the local Department of Motor Vehicles, in order to register our fleet of gray Honda Civics in the state we now call home.
Before we can begin to relay the horror that is our neighborhood DMV, we must make something of a digression. Oftentimes, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have made fun of libertarians. To be honest, we have always found their “If He Starves, He Starves” philosophy of government odious. As much as we disesteem the utopianism of the Left, we find the libertarian utopianism of the Right equally distasteful.
But not, we hasten to add, yesterday. The molasses-esque dunderheads who work at our local DMV made us into scorching libertarians. They gave us what doctors are unlikely to call the 24-hour Ayn Rand Flu. It’s as if the DMV is a secret advertising campaign of the Ludwig von Mises Institute.
After taking in the ridiculous ineptitude that is the DMV, we simply pined to privatize. Why, privatize the DMV, we collectively declared. Privatize the Post Office! And, while you’re at it, privatize the government!
Yes, yes, yes: And don’t forget Congress—privatize the heck out of that bugger! And privatize Senators Chuck Schumer, Trent Lott, and that corn-fed knucklehead from Nebraska, Chuck Hagel! Gee, we’d privatize G.W.F. Hegel if we thought it’d help.
To the faint of heart, this all may seem a bit quixotic. But, today at least, we think it’s a splendid idea. As far as we’re concerned, anything that in any way resembles the DMV in inefficiency requires privatization. And that includes the CIA, John Madden, and the cast of “Friends.”
Naturally, dear reader, you are currently thinking to yourself “The crack young staff has really gone overboard. Sure, they’ve been a fountain of bad ideas for a goodly amount of time. But now they are simply off their collective rocker.” Or words to that effect.
But have no fear, dear reader: We’re fairly certain we’ll drop our new-found libertarianism in the course of the day. We don’t aim on becoming Cato Institute devotees.
Right now, however, don’t bother us : We’re rapturously flipping our collective way through Atlas Shrugged.
