It Isn’t Easy Being Green

It Isn’t Easy Being Green

For well over a month, dear reader, “Chip” has been a dutiful practitioner of this “hot yoga,” attending class with astonishing regularity. And he has done so even though the entire undertaking has struck him as more than faintly ridiculous.

After all, Bikram yoga—founded by Bikram Choudray, who has maintained his deep connection to the ancient mysteries of the East by moving to Beverly Hills—compels its followers to assume an assortment of embarrassingly bizarre positions. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can’t quite figure out why any heterosexual male would want to excel at some of these stretches.

As far as can be gleaned from the attendees at “Chip’s” Bikram studio, all heterosexual males are similarly confused. In fact, they are so confused that they don’t show up, leaving “Chip” amongst a sea of women and homosexualists.

Even so, “Chip” has become a mainstay at the local Bikram studio. This hasn’t actually made him any friends: The ladies tend to run out of the building as soon as possible, likely as a result of their fear of men seeing them perspire like pigs. And the men in attendance…well, let’s just say that they don’t strike “Chip” as his kind of fellahs.

A few days ago, however, “Chip” had a particularly interesting conversation with one of the women in his yoga class. Whilst “Chip,” after a challenging class of stretching like a chick, sat on a Bikram yoga bench, a gal came up to him and asked: “Is that your green yoga mat?”

“Chip,” somewhat stunned by the question, answered, “Yes it is. Why do you ask?”

To which this woman replied—and we quote: “Bikram doesn’t like green.”

There was a Harold Pinter-esque pause. And then “Chip” said: “Huh? What do you mean?”

This woman answered: “Well, I used to have a green yoga mat, but one of the instructors told me that Bikram doesn’t like green. He thinks it is a color that should be left to nature. And so I got a new yoga mat.”

“Chip” found himself perturbed. “Well,” he said, “Bikram probably drinks his own urine, so I’d take what he says with a grain of salt. If Bikram hates my yoga mat so much, since he lives it up in Beverly Hills, he can buy me a new one. If not, I will continue to bring my green one.”

How ridiculous! This woman—who at least smiled at “Chip’s” urine line—appears to have fallen hook, line, and sinker for the ridiculous pronouncements of this guru-cum-fraud. We mean, come on: Leaving one color to nature is an entirely arbitrary command. Why not leave blue to the sky, or yellow to the urine that Bikram drinks?

Frankly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” find this all a bit sad. Although Bikram yoga may provide a good opportunity for physical fitness, it strikes us as a bit insufficient as a Guide to Life. Yet many Bikramites seem to latch on to this yoga as if it can cure cancer and solve all moral dilemmas.

This appears to have made Bikram rich—the bastard. If we had lots of cash, we’d send him thousands of green yoga mats.