Exclusive: A Potential Bill Keller Non-Tryst!

These days, dear reader, folks are up in arms about The New York Times’ decision to launch a scurrilous assault on Sen. John McCain. According to the non-story that appeared in the Gray Lady, a few anonymous, likely disgruntled sources assert that, years ago, some female lobbyist was sufficiently close to Sen. McCain to concern some of his staffers.

Yep: That’s it. No proof, just innuendo: Sen. McCain may have been close to a female lobbyist. To the editorial eminences at the Paper of Record, that bit of unsubstantiated claptrap is page one, above-the-fold material.

Well, well, well: We suppose that two can play at this little game. And we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are just the sorts of folks to join in on the festivities.

Accordingly, it is with great aplomb that we report an exclusive story about Bill Keller, the executive editor of The New York Times responsible for giving the green light to the charmingly ineffective anti-McCain hit piece. A couple of anonymous, likely disgruntled sources have contacted “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” and, after much hand wringing, we’ve decided to publish the following:

Was Bill Keller Involved in an Extra-Marital Love Tryst?

NEW YORK – Two anonymous former employees at The New York Times assert that Bill Keller, the paper’s executive editor, was in danger of becoming too close with a female Times employee in 1993. Mr. Keller, who is married, spent a sufficient amount of time with this employee, Rita Duval, that a few other Times employees grew nervous of the effect this could have on Mr. Keller’s private life.

In 1993, Mr. Keller met Ms. Duval, whose fetching spandex pants suits and fur-lined sweat clothes attracted much male attention, say our anonymous sources. Within weeks of their first meeting, Mr. Keller took regular trips to Ms. Duval’s desk, supposedly to gossip about “Pinch” Sulzberger, the paper’s publisher.

“People were gabbing about this around the water cooler,” says one anonymous source, who remains nameless because he would rather drag other peoples’ names into the mud without affecting his life in any way. “Lots of staffers thought that the two of them were an item.”

Mr. Keller’s lawyer, Robert Bennett, vociferously denies the charges. According to Mr. Bennett “no one named Rita Duval worked at The New York Times in 1993. As far as we can tell, in fact, no one by that name ever worked at the paper.”