Re-Connecting with the Universe

Much like sundry other Americans, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” never watch beauty competitions. They are, in a word, boring. All they seem to accomplish is making upper-middle class women more anorexic and all men more despondent. And, we hasten to add, we consider both of these things bad.

Sure, sure, sure: There are plenty of pretty women on display at the typical beauty pageant. Except, of course, for Miss Massachusetts, who is invariably a total schnauzer. Why is it that every Miss Massachusetts must be a spitting image of Kitty Dukakis?

Anyway, we have recently heard news about a recent beauty pageant that made us potentially change our minds. Sure, we still hate the odious “talent” competitions and the unparalleled stupidity of the interviews with the ladies (“I hunger for world peace!). Still, if future contests run much like the 2008 Miss Universe, we may tune in to a few beauty pageants in the future.

Now, allow us first and foremost to register a complaint about the whole Miss Universe thing. As far as we can tell, the name for said contest is entirely bogus: We’ve never even spied an entrant from Venus, let alone a winner. And Miss Mercury hasn’t arrived either.

In essence, we consider the Miss Universe contest a horrid example of knuckle-dragging geocentricity. Copernicus would be ashamed.

And yet, can one really detest a concert at which the following occurs:

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico - Beauty pageant organizers were investigating Sunday who doused a contestant's evening gowns with pepper spray and spiked her makeup, causing her to break out in hives.
Beauty queen Ingrid Marie Rivera beat 29 rivals to become the island's 2008 Miss Universe contestant, despite applying makeup and wearing evening gowns that had been coated with pepper spray, pageant spokesman Harold Rosario said.
Rivera was composed while appearing before cameras and judges throughout the competition. But once backstage, she had to strip off her clothes and apply ice bags to her face and body, which swelled and broke out in hives twice.
"We thought at first it was an allergic reaction, or maybe nerves," Rosario said. "But the second time, we knew it couldn't have been a coincidence."
Rivera's clothing and makeup later tested positive for pepper spray.

Finally, a little excitement at the ole’ Miss Universe. If this pageant turned into some sort of dirty tricks convention, you can be darn sure we’d watch it with our eyes glued to the set.

Even if Jimmy Kimmel were the host.