November 14, 2007

The Crack Young Staff as Plants

Perhaps, dear reader, you have heard the news that Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-Frosted Bangs) recently found herself in a bit of hot water. In addition to performing poorly in a Philadelphia debate amongst Democratic presidential hopefuls, Sen. Clinton angered most of the non-Andrea-Dworkin-loving populace by blaming her troubles on her gender.

To make matters worse, a little “website” called the Drudge Report broke the news that the Clinton campaign has at least once employed students as plants for speaking events in Iowa. Now, when we say “employed students as plants,” don’t think we’re going to make some lame gag about ferns.

Nope: At least one young woman was compelled by the Clintonistas to offer some pre-screened question, which Sen. Clinton presumably (and figuratively) hit out of the ballpark. Like any pro, it seems, Sen. Clinton has gained a wide following by rehearsing and rehearsing and rehearsing her spontaneity.

This has, naturally enough, got us to wonder: Why aren’t we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” asked to be plants for Sen. Clinton? Why must her campaign stoop to the level of Iowa collegians (a very low level indeed) in order to find a few people willing to offer a phony question?

Not to toot our own collective horn too loudly, but we think that we’d make phenomenal plants. After all, we’re very good at pretending as if a question we have is heartfelt, rather than entirely forced. Perhaps that’s the only benefit we’ve ever gotten out of bad first dates.

Further, we think that we could come up with some really dazzling pro-Hillary queries. In fact, we consider ourselves so capable of producing such questions, that we’ll hit you with a couple of them forthwith.

Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Pre-Screened Questions for Hillary Clinton as envisioned by the Crack Young Staff

1) You seem far more informed—and of a far lighter complexion—than your opponent Barack Hussein Obama. Does this make him a terrorist?

2) All your policies are simply fantastic. I think I agree with all Americans when I say that you are completely correct about everything. How did you manage to get so much so right?

3) How long has Dennis Kucinich been an elfin Mexican? Do you think this disqualifies him from the presidency?

4) Many Americans are worried about electing a female president. Do you believe that this is a good reason for John Edwards to drop out of the race?

Posted at November 14, 2007 12:01 AM | TrackBack