If I Wasn’t [sic] an Idiot

It’s confession time, folks. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” read The New York Times. Yes, yes: Banish us from the hallowed halls of hardcore, gun-toting, chaw-spitting, latte-hating, Wal-Mart-shopping Republicans, if you must. Still, despite its (myriad) flaws, we can’t stop checking up with the Gray Lady.

Strange, isn’t it? Well, perhaps not when you recognize the wonderful (and free) options that folks at the self-proclaimed Paper of Record offer to their dutiful readership. Don’t believe us? Why, just check out the delightful “weblogging” the Gray Lady staff presents.

Here, for your edification, is a title from one of these luminous Times “posts”: “Giuliani’s ‘Electability’ Doesn’t Make Him More Electable.” Boy, really draws you in with its stupidity, eh?

In essence, the “post’s” author, someone called Chris Sullentrop, merely reports Bill Kristol’s contention that Giuliani isn’t more electable than a conservative Republican. Well, gee: That’s a real shocker. We’ll have to call home and tell them the good news.

But just in case this sort of diligent and crucial reporting isn’t your cup of tea, you can also savor the careful commentary of New York Times’s readers. Ah, the people who enjoy “All the News that Prints to Fit” are real highbrows.

Why, just take a gander at a reader’s response to the aforementioned “post”:

All these “thoughtful” analyses are missing a crucial point. Rudy is crazy. Not the funny kind of “life of a party” crazy either, more like the “lonely man muttering to himself while he sharpens his knives” kind of crazy. If I was [sic] a Democratic candidate I’d love to debate him. “OK, Rudy, we admit Israel to NATO. They re-invade Lebanon, and Syria counter-attacks. What do we do then?” — Posted by A. L. Flanagan

Ah, there’s some real thinking. Too bad the sagacious A.L. Flanagan isn’t running for president on the Democratic ticket. If he ever gets through the primary (which is, we think, a likely scenario, given his preternatural intelligence), he’d sure make hash out of that crazy—and non-funny kind of crazy—Rudy Giuliani.

Since—alas for our nation—he’s not too busy with the vicissitudes of a political campaign, perhaps dear old A.L. Flanagan could study up on the use of the subjunctive in English. But perhaps we’re just being the non-funny sort of crazy?