Take My Babies One More Time

Usually, this humble “weblog” discusses the higher things in life. You know the sort of stuff we mean: Peter Handke novels; Mark Rothko paintings; Billy Joel; American cheese; &c. The classy, highbrow things.

Our regular reader(s) may be somewhat perplexed, therefore, to discover the topic of today’s lucubration: A judge’s ruling that popular music sensation Britney Spears must hand over her young children to her ex-husband, one Kevin Federline. Not, we must freely admit, the sort of thing that typically inspires the crack young staff.

So you’ll pardon us, dear reader, if we stop pontificating about the finer points of chiaroscuro to slum it a bit. Although, like all people who possess both ears and a brain, we thoroughly despise the anti-music of Britney Spears, we simply can’t help ourselves from discussing her latest woes.

And you must admit that Ms. Spears has just been hit pretty hard. We mean, come on: She has to give her kids up to Kevin Federline because she’s insufficiently responsible to take care of them! Have you ever seen Kevin Federline? The guy’s one part Ed Grimley and two parts oily beauhunk. He’s the un-thinking man’s townie, for crying out loud.

If you lose custody to a fellow like that, it’s pretty much time for your intervention. There’s a Betty Ford clinic with your name on it somewhere, for Christ’s sake.

To make matters even more painful, we thought that Ms. Spears was finally turning a corner. After all, she had gained some much-needed weight for her slutty outfits and was partying at all hours with the likes of Paris Hilton.

Who would have thought this would lead to trouble? Not us, not us.

If you ask us, the Britney vs. K-Fed baby saga is the sort of dust-up in which one hopes that neither parent gets custody. We’d prefer that Osama bin Laden raise their kids. Hey, at least Osama doesn’t seem to party all the time.

Soldiers; teachers; witchdoctors; pedophiles—these are just a few of the people who would do a better job raising Britney’s kids than would she and K-Fed.