Pro-Life, Pro-Death

Gosh, we really ought not read Newsweek. It’s ineluctably a tragic mistake. Upon picking up this uppity version of People magazine, our blood pressure magically rises through the roof.

What, you may reasonably be wondering, makes Newsweek so bothersome? Oh, the answers to that query are so numerous that we hardly know where to begin. But, we suppose, we ought to start with one of Newsweek’s long-time columnists, Anna Quindlen.

You know Anna Quindlen, dear reader. She’s Newsweek’s liberal soccer mom. By means of her folksy suburban charm, she supports myriad moderate blue state causes. And for some reason, we find her upper-middle-class Caucasian editorial sanctimony enraging. Why, after all, should we endure browbeating about tax rates from a woman who seems primed to jump in her mini-van and pick up little Zack and Nigel from yoga?

In fact, we have the sneaking suspicion that Ms. Quindlen could compel us to become activists for any cause, provided she’s opposed to it. Gravity? Well, if Ms. Quindlen supports gravity, we’ll happily campaign against it. Isaac Newton was a quack as far as we’re concerned.

We say this, dear reader, after taking in “How Much Jail Time?”, Ms. Quindlen’s most recent orgy of sanctimony, which is found in the August 6 number of Newsweek. For our whole lives, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been resolutely pro-choice. And yet Ms. Quindlen’s column has compelled us to wish we were staunch pro-lifers. We’re not, of course, but we sure wish we were.

Why, just take in the first few paragraphs of Ms. Quindlen’s article:

Buried among prairie dogs and amateur animation shorts on YouTube is a curious little mini-documentary shot in front of an abortion clinic in Libertyville, Ill. The man behind the camera is asking demonstrators who want abortion criminalized what the penalty should be for a woman who has one nonetheless. You have rarely seen people look more gobsmacked. It's as though the guy has asked them to solve quadratic equations. Here are a range of responses: "I've never really thought about it." "I don't have an answer for that." "I don't know." "Just pray for them."

You have to hand it to the questioner; he struggles manfully. "Usually when things are illegal there's a penalty attached," he explains patiently. But he can't get a single person to be decisive about the crux of a matter they have been approaching with absolute certainty.

The proper response to this self-important palaver is: Oh, just shut up. We pine to be pro-life, so we could tell Ms. Quindlen what the proper punishment for having an abortion should be.

After all, why couldn’t abortion be among the numerous crimes that hardly ever earn prosecution? You know, like immigration violations. Don’t we merely champion illegal immigrants in this country as part of our “diverse” nation’s workforce?

But, heck: If Anna Quindlen wants to know the appropriate punishment for an abortion, here it is: The death penalty. That’ll teach those ladies to respect life.