Lindsey Lohan-Bush?

Normally, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” pride ourselves on our imperviousness to conspiracy theories. In fact, we consider it amongst our most attractive attributes, right next to washboard abdominal muscles and an uncanny ability to croon “Danke Schoen” at karaoke events.

To be downright honest, we’ve long thought that conspiracy theories are the purview of hard-left and hard-right wack-jobs. You know the sort of folk we mean: Lyndon Larouche; the readership of Counterpunch; Oliver Stone. Accordingly, we’ve prided ourselves as not being amongst their sordid, sordid ranks.

And yet, and yet, and yet. Current controversies in the land of so-called “popular culture” compel us to alter our anti-conspiracy-theory line just a smidge. Although we’re not delighted to admit it, recent events have caused us to cast incredulity to the side and come up with our own dubious conspiracy theory. Allow us to elaborate.

Perhaps you have heard, dear reader, about the antics of a certain infamous jet-setting gaggle of rich party gals: Nichole Richie; Paris Hilton; Lindsey Lohan; Rip Torn; et al. If you haven’t heard about them, there’s a good chance that you’re illiterate and don’t own a television. For the American media can’t stop blathering on about their antics.

Most recently, of course, vaguely fetching train-wreck Lindsey Lohan has been arrested for driving under the influence, cocaine possession, and shooting Gary Coleman, amongst other dire offenses. And this news, naturally, comes just days after Ms. Lohan sprung herself from a rehabilitation center. (Or, as the Brits call it, a rehabilitation centre.)

According to some folks, this may merely be more proof of an obscene recklessness in the thriving B-movie actress/heiress community. Clearly, they think, these benighted ladies are completely out of control.

Not us. We’ve witnessed too many Lohan-Richie-Hilton shenanigans to chalk them up to adolescent (and post-adolescent) high jinks. Nope: We smell a rat. And we’re not talking about Paris Hilton.

Okay, here’s our conspiracy theory: Lindsey Lohan, Nicole Richie, and Paris Hilton are all Bush administration shills, duty-bound to aid our Commander-in-Chief by resorting to illegal antics every time the President finds himself in a pinch. Not to put too fine a point on it, we think that these gals are agents for the maniacal neoconservatives running Washington.

Think about it. Every time you read more dirt on Attorney General Gonzales, Paris Hilton does something inane and winds up in the clink. The upside of it all? The AG no longer makes front-page headlines. Rather, Ms. Hilton pouts her way onto newspapers and televisions everywhere. Political crisis averted.

Coincidence? We collectively think not. Like socialized medicine, it just makes too much sense.

We do wonder, however, if this means that Lohan, Hilton, and Richie are Jewish. After all, if you ask our friends on the political Left, Jews are behind all conspiracies: 9/11; World War II; Howard the Duck; &c.