July 17, 2007

The Twilight of Democracy

Always remember where you were when you read this “post,” dear reader. (That probably isn’t too much of a task: You’re likely at your computer. Man, are we clairvoyant or what?) We say this because, from this moment forward, your life will invariably change—for the worse.

And it’s not just your life—life on earth will forever alter. Sad as it is, it’s true, and we must face it head-on. Make no bones about it: We are plunging toward the abyss. We are witnessing the very twilight of democracy.

Soon life on good ole’ Mother Earth will degenerate into a totalitarian nightmare. Soon we shall all slave away as serfs for some evil corporation or other. You know, like Enron and Halliburton. Perhaps we’ll all be forced to go hunting with Dick Cheney. Soon the Orwellian nightmare called the free market will rape us all.

These sentiments may seem histrionic to you, but we’re sticking by our ominous predictions. And for a darn good reason, dear reader. As The Wall Street Journal reports, Rupert Murdoch’s dreaded News Corp. is in the final stages of procuring Dow Jones & Co., the owners of the WSJ and Barrons.

Aha: Now who’s calling us histrionic? We thought so. How do you like ‘dem apples?

Yep: The world may not last a mere three months with the evil Rupert Murdoch as owner of one of America’s most prestigious newspapers. Why, when he bought The Times of London, all heck broke loose.

As you undoubtedly recognize, since the fateful day Herr Murdoch got his deadly hands on The Times, the United Kingdom has plunged into poverty and despair. Previously Britain boasted an economy almost on par with Japan’s. Nowadays, its power is roughly equivalent to Niger’s. Without all the amenities.

A sad fate, indeed. But what do you expect? Herr Murdoch, after all, is the easily the most maniacal man on the planet. Well, except for Scott Baio. And unlike Charles, Rupert really is in charge. (Wow: Does a lame reference to a lame sitcom get any lamer than that? We collectively doubt it.)

Right now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are busy building a bomb shelter. You know, for the impending nuclear war.

What else do you expect to happen: Rupert Murdoch will soon own Barrons! Nuclear winter approaches apace!

Posted at July 17, 2007 12:01 AM | TrackBack