Self-Esteem for the Jihadi

If these here United States of America have anything to offer this world—other than Rob Schneider movies, that is—it is certainly self-esteem training. Thanks to the hard work of our nation’s prized educators, American high school students may be among the stupidest in the world, but they incorrectly believe that they are very, very smart. How’s that for good schooling?

Without a doubt, dear reader, our fair nation excels in boosting peoples’ self-esteem. It’s our great strength. Well, that and soft rock. (And they’re both equally delightful.)

But this leaves us with a few important questions: How can we use our impressive abilities in the realm of self-esteem promotion to ameliorate world problems? Can our effectiveness at unwarrantedly raising people’s self-image aid the greater cause of world peace? Can it help stave off Samuel Huntington’s dreaded Clash of Civilizations?

Good questions, those. (We’re glad we asked them.) And we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” think we have some darn fine answers. If you ask us, American educators should travel to the Middle East and offer free crash-courses in boosting self-esteem amongst our Islamist friends. That way, our Islamofascist pals will recognize that the USA isn’t all “Sex and the City” and the Playboy Channel.

And, to be downright honest, our fervent Islamist buddies could use a little self-esteem, a little boost in confidence. These folks just never seem to stand up for themselves.

Violent riots over cartoons; staunch refusals to give cab rides to people with seeing-eye dogs; massive public displays of bigotry, misogyny, and intolerance—these are just a few examples of Islamist non-assertiveness. Why do these folks appear to be so sorely lacking in societal self-confidence? Why are they filled with self-doubt?

We mean, come on: When you come from a country as blissful as Saudi Arabia, you should be positively gloating. You’ve earned some cultural bragging rights, for crying out loud. Savage curtailment of women’s freedoms; officially sanctioned anti-Semitism; medieval intolerance—what’s not to love?

So, get with the program, jihadis. You’ve got plenty that should make you proud. Heck, if implementing your political goals will help make the world more like Syria, then we can certainly understand why you’re so hell-bent on altering society. Who wouldn’t want to live in that authoritarian police state?