Your Crappy Little “Weblog” Takes 15 Million Years To Load

As regular readers of this humble “weblog” might well imagine, dear reader, lots of things annoy us. Blame it on our un-sunny disposition. It’s sad, but it’s true: You name it, it bugs us to no end.

Yet we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” must insist that certain things vex us far more than others. Take, for example, Billy Joel: If you’ve ever had “Only the Good Die Young” in your head against your will for hours upon hours, you know that this man’s music is the aural equivalent of slavery. Simply put, everyone should detest it.

Nor is Billy Joel alone in his ability to irk. Rather, more than a few other things trouble us about as much: The fanatical nutters who run the theocracy in Iran; the left-wing dolts in the West who believe that we have more to fear from evangelical Christians than the fanatical nutters who run the theocracy in Iran; George Clooney.

In today’s humble “post,” however, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aim to discuss an irritating phenomenon related to Al Gore’s World-Wide Web. We believe that we’ve mentioned it before, but we find it sufficiently enraging to bring it up anew.

We refer, dear reader, to “weblogs” that take three squillion years to load. For some reason, particular “webloggers” enjoy offering their readers “websites” that take so long to appear on your computer screen that you might as well paint the house whilst waiting for it to load.

How enraging is this? Look: If the Internet isn’t faster than a telegram brought to you by rickshaw, you might as well throw your darned computer out the window.

Now, admittedly, dear reader, the molasses-like slowness of some “weblogs” can be partly blamed on our lame staff computers. It turns out that the TRS-80, despite its other benefits, just doesn’t download terribly quickly. Naturally, it makes up for that with a wonderful version of “Pong,” but it still ain’t on the leading edge of technology. Even in the Ivory Coast.

And yet we don’t think our slow computers are fully to blame. Lots of e-auteurs seem to revel in all sorts of bells and whistles on their “weblogs”—the kind of pap that makes it take three thousand years for the measly content on their “website” to appear.

Sure, we have about as much patience as a fruit fly. But when you’re going to read on the Information Superhighway, it’s rather a drag to be stuck in the breakdown lane.