A Real Pianoforte

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hate to admit it, but occasionally we catch a glimpse or two of a music video on the MTV. Yeah, we know: That’s awfully lowbrow of us. But, when flipping through the boob tube, every once in a while we stop to take a gander at the aural and visual detritus to be “enjoyed” at that pernicious television network.

Naturally, dear reader, a great many of the videos on display are simply appalling. We have previously noted, for instance, how quizzical we found it that the so-called Black Eyed Peas are popular—even with retarded teenagers. And now a woman named Fergie, the lead singer for the aforementioned Peas, has garnered even more attention for a solo album, which we find equally disturbing.

Yet we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have noted something else about contemporary music videos that rankles. Sure, not as much as the lascivious gyrating of a semi-clad Fergie, but rankle-worthy nonetheless.

At least two newish rock-n-roll videos feature a lead singer playing a piano out in the elements. In one of them, a fellow called David Powter tickles the ivories on an upright in an incongruous outdoor location. It snows, and yet he continues to play. In the other, a lead singer from the college-rock band Augustana plays a piano on the beach. After only a few bars of the song, this sap winds up hammering away at a waterlogged piano, as the waves roll in.

As far as we can tell, the setting of the pianos in the outdoors is the visual fireworks of these videos. No rump-shaking gals; no flashy displays of conspicuous consumption—outside pianos is all you get.

Perhaps it’s just us, but we find this incomparably lame. We mean, come on: What the heck is so grand (pardon the pun) about playing a piano out in the elements? Is this really going to compel dimwitted teenagers to head out to the music store and plunk down their hard-earned money? We certainly hope not.

It’s as if the directors of these videos thought: “Man, a guy playing the piano in weather that’ll ruin it. How edgy! How hip! Good thing that I haven’t completely run out of ideas!” To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Wow, that’s really pathetic.

Play a piano on the Eiffel Tower. Play it on the moon. You won’t impress us; you’ll just break the piano.