Bend It Like Beckham? Get Bent

Europhiles all across America are surely in a state of euphoria. No, no: The EU has not embraced Iran as a new member—yet. Rather, someone (something?) called David Beckham (sp?) is coming to these here United States of America. Color us bored.

Apparently, Mr. Beckham is something of a football star in the old country—and by “football star,” we don’t mean of the exciting variety. No, you won’t see this Beckham fellow throw any touchdowns or garner any sacks. In fact, you won’t even see him make one field goal.

Rather, Mr. Beckham hails from the world of Old World Football—that is to say, the enragingly dull, low-scoring exercise in visual torture better known in these parts as soccer. As the newspapers are reporting, Mr. Beckham has agreed to play for something called the LA Galaxy, which, up till now, we thought was a hair-care product. Or maybe a female basketball squad.

If the press reports are to be believed, this Beckham character will be one rich dude: He’ll make enough money to buy Pele’s bones. Much to the chagrin of soccer fans in Europe, Mr. Beckham is leaving his old club, Real Madrid (which tends to perform far better than Fake Madrid).

Now—not to put too fine a point on it—we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t give a rat’s behind that David Beckham will play soccer in the States. It means less than nothing to us. We wouldn’t watch a team full of naked ladies play soccer; miraculously, that would somehow still be boring.

In fact, we care about as much about David Beckham as we do about his wife, who was a star in the talentless pop group the Spice Girls. The Spice Girls? We can’t even remember a song they sing. But we’re sure they’re all awful.

Nor do we believe that our ho-hum response to Mr. Beckham’s US big bucks is entirely our own. Right about now, millions of Americans are thinking of the things they will do instead of tuning in to the LA Galaxy’s next game (against the Toledo Storm, no doubt).

Normally, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t like to make predictions. But we think this one’s a no-brainer. Beckham’s move to LA will be the biggest non-event in sports history since Michael Jordan decided to play baseball (or was it racketball?). Someone ought to tell the owner of the LA Galaxy that they have a bridge to sell him.