Who Gives a Feud?

Perhaps it’s just us, dear reader, but we simply can’t enjoy watching a rivalry being played out when we don’t care a jot about it. The Minnesota Vikings vs. the Green Bay Packers—who even remotely cares? If you ask us, the poor fools who are glued to the boob tube over this trenchant battle are worthy of our compassion…because they all live in the Midwest. It’s sad, but it’s true.

Our reticence regarding sports feuds seldom reaches to the collegiate level. Like all reasonable people, of course, when two schools play one another, we always root for the one that’s easier to get into. Why cheer for Stanford when those bastards would laugh at your pathetic transcript? We’ll blithely support Illinois State instead: From what we can tell, the only requirement to get into that place is a pen.

But we must say that our lack of concern for various rivalries extends beyond the realm of sports. Take, for example, the recent Donald Trump vs. Rosie O’Donnell brouhaha. Are we the only ones who want both of these morons to lose?

We mean, come on: In one corner you have an odious, self-obsessed chucklehead and in the other you have an odious, self-obsessed chucklehead. Maybe Trump is a bit more noxious, because he unleashed that face-lifted, blow-dried nitwit Donny Deutsch on the rest of the world. Anyway, thank God Rosie is fat or you’d never be able to tell her and Trump apart. We hope they both fall down a manhole.

As if the recent verbal vitriol of Rosie and The Donald weren’t bad enough, now we hear word from CNN (!) about a purportedly non-existent fight betwixt Ryan Seacrest and Carson Daly. Apparently, these two preternaturally untalented fellows have competing New Year’s Eve television broadcasts. Both stuffed shirts, it seems, hope to claim the Dick Clark no-talent mantle.

Even so, Messrs. Seacrest and Daly both deny that there’s a feud brewing. Perhaps they figure that, with their scintillating personalities and androgynous good-looks, they ought to thank their lucky stars that they’re in show business to begin with. As far as we’re concerned, the world would be a more just place if the two of them were waiters at Applebees.

For whom do we root in the Seacrest vs. Daly non-fight? Who seems mildly gayer? Who’s slightly less irritating?

Yeah: We don’t know either.