The 11th Hour

Well, dear reader, let’s be honest with ourselves: It’s not looking too good. (That wasn’t too hard, was it, President Bush?)

We refer, of course, to the “2006 Weblog Awards.” As everyone familiar with Al Gore’s World-Wide Web undoubtedly knows, this humble “weblog” is up for the prestigious “Best Humor Blog” distinction in the “2006 Weblog Awards” (for which you can vote here). And yet, as even a cursory look at the numbers will inform you, we’re running into something of a brick wall. An e-brick wall, if you will.

We’re not, we hasten to add, in last place. That dubious distinction is currently bestowed on a “weblog” delicately titled “The Dick List.” Sure, we’ve always dreamed that one fine day that—if we worked hard enough and paid our dues—we’d be good enough to trump “The Dick List.” We all have, we’d imagine.

Even so, given our overall lackluster e-performance, the realization of this dream hasn’t really lived up to what we’d hoped for. Be careful what you wish for, indeed.

It’s sad, but it’s true: This humble Internet outpost simply lacks the fan base to tussle with the big fish. And, in this case, by “big fish” we mean “a crappy ‘website’ run by a French-Canadian with the sissy name Seb.”

Still, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” refuse to throw in the towel. Rather, like M.L. Carr throughout his illustrious bench-warming career with the Celtics, we’ll take that towel and wave it in the air in an attempt to rile up our fans. We’ll wave it in the air like we just don’t care, you might say. “The voting isn’t over,” we bellow. “Come on, fans, plump for us one more time!”

Okay, this last ditch attempt to surmount the insurmountable may seem quixotic to some observers. It is very possible that we have the mephitic stench of Katherine Harris all over us. (Alas, we lack her plastic surgeon.) Dennis Kucinich may sport a better chance of being Diminutive-Oaf-in-Chief than we have at winning “Best Humor Blog” honors. But we don’t give a darn.

Call us the Carol Moseley Braun of the “2006 Weblog Awards.” It’s fitting—even though we’re not ethically challenged and most of us aren’t black. And, last we checked, we weren’t endorsed by the National Organization for Women. (For some odd reason, NOW hasn’t endorsed a candidate for the “Best Humor Blog” award. Perhaps Christopher Hitchens can tell us why that’s so.)

Anyway, dear reader, once again we exhort you: The voting officially ends Friday and we need your help. So please cast your ballot for us. If you don’t do so, we may turn this “weblog” into a Kiss appreciation “website.”