Jimmy Carter: Shut Up, Don’t Speak

One of the junior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—recently headed to the local bookshop to take in the latest treasures from the land of darkened wood pulp. And—lo and behold!—amidst the other new tomes sat Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid.

Who, you may or may not be asking yourself, wrote such a monograph? Ralph “The One-Eyed Lebanese Lunatic” Nader? The Official Communications Collective at the Palestine Solidarity Movement? Or maybe, like an infamous anti-Semitic tract, it’s a Czarist forgery?

Well, dear reader, if you guessed any of these answers, we’re sorry to tell you that you’re wrong. The writer of this book, screamingly unfair title and all, is none other than former President Jimmy Carter. (Boy, we figured you could have guessed that from the title of our “post.” Go figure.)

Now, longtime reader(s) of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” undoubtedly know that we despise this man. Sure: He built a couple of homes in his spare time to make up for the fact that he was the most incredibly incompetent political leader in American history. But this, we feel, can’t cut it: Jimmy Carter was such a horrid President that they had to invent words—like “stagflation”—to describe his preternatural failures.

As if this weren’t bad enough, the whilom peanut farmer wasn’t content building a few abodes for Habitat for Humanity and telling wistful stories about his Abbie Hoffman-wanna’-be daughter Amy. No, President Carter simply couldn’t bear to be this comparatively inoffensive.

Accordingly, he has routinely insinuated himself into contemporary American politics, as if anyone cares what this poltroon has to say about anything. Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez—there’s nary a vicious left-wing dictator he won’t coddle for attention.

And don’t even get us started on Jimmy Carter’s poetry. If you ask us, his desire to publish his tin-eared, embarrassing verse demonstrates that he wasn’t psychologically fit to be President of the United States. Which may explain Carter’s botched attempts to end the Iranian hostage crisis, the oil embargo, and every other task he was assigned as President.

But now his new book—in all its coruscating obtuseness—has simply driven us over the edge. How dare this moron use the word “Apartheid” to describe Israel! What an embarrassment to the American people this man is! And this boob doesn’t even mention Israel in his title: Does he—like those loveable scamps in Hamas—hope for its destruction?

Upon spying some reader reviews of Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid on Amazon.com, “Chip” laughed at a fellow who loved the book and recommended fans of it also check out the scholarly works of…David Duke. Yep, that’s right: He’s a big booster of our 39th President and a former bigwig in the KKK. (For some reason, that review has been yanked from Amazon’s “website.” It seems someone was protecting Jimmy from guilt by association.)

Now, President Carter isn’t responsible for sordid folks who enjoy his wretched, three-words-per-page tome. But, with the disgusting misnomer “Apartheid” on the cover, is it any wonder that his vapid nonsense appeals to David Duke supporters?

Enraged as we are, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have started our own book: Jimmy Carter: Shut Up, Don’t Talk. It will outline our plan to add a provision to the Patriot Act ensuring that Jimmy Carter keep his mouth duct taped at all times. And, of course, he won’t be allowed to write anything either.

Sure, that may not be terribly fair. But at least David Duke wouldn’t support it.