“Fearful Voices”

Like all honest, God-fearing people, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” detest Arianna Huffington. Ms. Huffington, the ostentatious, smarmy, loud-mouthed Greek pseudo-pundit who apparently believes that marrying money entitles you to share your opinions with all and sundry, is the proprietor of the reflexively left-wing Huffington Post.

Now, dear reader, let us inform you that we despised Arianna Huffington just as much when she was an obnoxious right-winger. In fact, we firmly believe that Arianna Huffington should be the one subject about which everyone agrees: We all—black, white, red, women, midgets, hobby horses—should hate her.

We had reason to reflect on our scorn for Ms. Huffington anew upon checking out the new “Fearless Voices” section of The Huffington Post. This sappy exercise in feminist bromides advertises itself as a necessity for today’s self-assured woman. To this end, Ms. Huffington has given column space to an assortment of women with pseudo-empowering tales to tell.

Unsurprisingly, the reality is quite different. Actually, we think Ms. Huffington ought to call this section of her “weblog” “Shameless Self-Promotion,” since the whole kit and caboodle ties into her hyping of her latest book On Becoming Fearless..in Love, Work, and Life. Thus, whilst she pretends to request guest submissions to “Fearless Voices” out of concern for the common woman, in reality Ms. Huffington is merely attempting to drum up a few more sales of her latest insta-book.

(Incidentally, we must say that we haven’t taken a gander at Ms. Huffington’s latest magnum opus. Even so, for some reason we feel content to suggest that it’s a steaming pile of horse manure. We’d even bet you a sawbuck on it.)

Ms. Huffington’s self-promoting antics, then, have enraged us. In fact, they have sufficiently enraged us to publish our own book in response: On Becoming Fearful...in Hate, Leisure, and Death. Our tome will focus on the fears one experiences upon taking in the anti-intellectual garbage spewing from the mouth of an obnoxious Greek lady without a rudimentary understanding of politics.

In order to promote our book further, we’ve decided to invite you, dear reader, to contribute to our new “Fearful Voices” section of our “weblog.” We’ll pick a few essays from readers whose unparalleled fright knows no bounds and serves as an inspiration for us all.

So, if you’re scared by Arianna Huffington—and who isn’t?—send us a short essay describing your terror by clicking the “Contact Us” “link” at the top right-hand corner of your computer screen. If you’re lucky enough to be have your essay chosen for publication, you won’t receive a copy of Ms. Huffington’s new book.

Now there’s a prize for you.