An Unassailable Candidacy

In the past few years, our friends in the Democratic Party have happened upon a very effective technique. When faced with discussing a contentious issue, Democratic Party strategists have favored using spokesmen who, for one reason or another, are somehow beyond criticism.

For instance, our Democratic pals sent out a gaggle of 9/11 widows to criticize Donald Rumsfeld and the Iraq War. Naturally, human beings with anything resembling compassion (read: Not Ann Coulter) felt a bit churlish about ripping in to such women, given the horrors they’ve endured. Accordingly, when someone ventures a criticism of their position, the Dems can cry foul. “How dare you attack these poor, defenseless ladies,” they screech.

Our nation has just witnessed another example of this incipient Democratic Party tradition in the form of a diminutive Canadian with an unfortunate ailment. As is well known, Michael J. Fox, the genius who helped bring you Back to the Future 3 (because so much was left unsaid in part two), took to the airwaves to criticize Republican positions on embryonic stem-cell research.

Now, don’t get us wrong, dear reader: We’re completely in favor of such research and wholeheartedly support Mr. Fox’s position. All the same, we believe the campaign ads featuring Mr. Fox were misleading and unfair.

Ah, but it was another prime example of this delightful new Democratic strategy: As a man suffering from Parkinson’s disease, Mr. Fox should not be criticized. Don’t take our word for it: Ask Rush Limbaugh, who begrudgingly apologized for ripping on Mr. Fox’s commercials.

As far as we’re concerned, the Democrats have come up with their most ingenious strategy since “triangulation.” If we were Howard Dean—and, full disclosure, we’re not—we’d make use of this killer Democratic weapon as much as possible.

There’s a little thing called the presidential election creeping up on us, and it’s high time the Dems stop prattling on about Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Barak Obama, and start thinking about ways to leave the Republicans in the dust. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” think the Democrats should ditch all these high-profile candidates in favor of a far more effective team.

Here’s our idea for a resolutely unassailable administration:

President: A lesbian Eskimo with Alzheimer’s disease

Vice President: Emmanuel Lewis

Secretary of State: A wheelchair-bound former rape victim

Secretary of Defense: Smurfette

Secretary of Transportation: An Amish schoolgirl

And so on, and so forth. Quite frankly, we don’t care whom the Republicans nominate. Even John McCain would be wary of debating the guy who used to play Webster. Man, that little bugger is so cute.