How To Make a Buck Off the Downfall of the West

As must be painfully obvious by now, dear reader, Western civilization is in for a rather nasty collapse. It should be crystal clear that many Westerners simply lack the nerve to defend their own way of life against the violent carping of Islamists and their myriad supporters.

We mean, come on: Muslim imams routinely say repugnant things about Jews, Christians, and the West and no one bothers to make much of a fuss. But if the Pope dares to quote a 14th century predecessor dilating on the downsides of Islam, all heck brakes loose. Bands of violent Muslim fanatics can’t even stomach cartoons; bands of Christians stomach everything.

As a result, Westerners find themselves in a constant state of cultural obsequiousness: We must incessantly apologize for our benighted past, for fear of offending thin-skinned Muslims. Britain, for instance, feels the need to make amends for its imperialist past; the Muslim world feels no need to atone for its own—and rather successful—history of imperialism.

Ours is a cartoon world in which the West is always wrong, the Islamists always right. For this reason, it seems, millions upon millions of Americans yearn to escape the oppression of America and Western Europe and live in Muslim countries: With such a long history of correctness, it’s not surprising that our Muslim friends govern such attractive and successful nations.

Boy, nothing reminds you of the horrors of the West like a trip to, say, Malaysia. Would that all countries were just like that one!

If you ask us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” Western civilization is doomed. We don’t mean to get all Spenglerian on you, but we feel as if this horrid lack of societal self-confidence does not bode well for us. Pretty soon, we’ll wind up apologizing our way into creating an America that’s a lot more like Yemen. And that, friends, won’t be a good day.

The only question that remains, then, is how to make a buck off of the impending collapse of Western civilization. If we’re all bound to wear burqas, we might as well enjoy our last few years in America before the caliphate. After that, we think it’ll be a lot tougher to enjoy yourself. As odious as the Republicans may be, we have the distinct impression that the Muslim Brotherhood will be even rougher when they’re in power here.

Capitalist stooges that we are, we figured that nothing would make us happier than lots and lots of cash. The Beatles may croon about money being incapable of purchasing love, but it never stopped them from getting loaded. Even Ringo—and he doesn’t have any talent.

So, after literally seconds of brainstorming, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” happened upon the perfect way to get rich off the coming cultural catastrophe. Our idea is simple: T-shirts that read “Dear Muslims, We’re Sorry For Everything.”

Think of how many uses there are for such shirts! They’re great for every situation, because the West must apologize for everything: Imperialism, Zionism, Huey Lewis, &c.

Yep, after firing up a batch of these T-shirts, we’ll be wealthier than Ted Turner. It’s a pity the new Muslim dictator of America will take it all away from us.