Against the Grain

Every once in a while, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” get sick and tired of our incessant partisan yapping. Yes, yes: We tend to favor the political Right—we get it. Although, as you might imagine, we usually bask in the glow that is our luminous pontificating, on occasion we enjoy taking on the role of Devil’s Advocate. Or, failing that, at least demonstrating that matters are not as simple as we portray them.

You know, shake things up a bit. And today, dear reader, is the day for some heterodoxy from the crack young staff. Unlike most “posts,” in which we excoriate some predictable lefty target, on this day we take aim at some things you might have thought we liked. Enough with the conservative blather; bring on the liberal blather!

Okay, so here goes—our Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Against the Grain Day.

Item the First: Right-wingers hate to admit it, but it’s true: Ariana Huffington was as much of a know-nothing, obnoxious twit when she was a Republican as she is as a Democrat. Though her politics have changed, her cacophonous, self-promoting nonsense has not.

Item the Second: Ann Coulter is a joke. But she’s not the only joke among conservative talking heads. Many right-wing talk show hosts are absurd, Michael Savage being only the most obvious example. As pathetic as Michael Moore may be, he’s easily equaled in idiocy by the likes of Mr. Savage. That guy is a knuckle-dragging doofus.

Item the Third: We like Tipper Gore. Sure, it was easy to paint this woman as a prig, given her clumsy attempts to censor popular music. But, hey: What’s so bad about that? We don’t want our four-year-olds listening to foul-mouthed “rappers” whom other liberals champion as street-corner prophets. Right on, Tipper!

Item the Fourth: Many deeply conservative people are really creepy. You know: Home schooling, incessant prattling on about the evils of the liberal mainstream. It’s insufferable, and we can certainly understand why others are taken aback by it. Basically, political true believers of all stripes are a tad frightening. No political movement has a complete monopoly on the truth.

Item the Fifth: The conservative attack on academia is often overwrought and occasionally reeks of Know-Nothingism. To be sure, there are many systemic problems with bias in higher education, and those running universities will never self-reform. But, come on: Not all professors are Ward Churchill. Unfair polemics only sully more earnest attempts at much-needed change.

Item the Sixth: Tom Delay was a crook.