A Humble Legal Request for the Boulder DA

Okay, okay, okay: John Mark Karr, the 41-year-old pedant, was in fact not the killer of JonBenet Ramsey. Apparently, Mr. Karr offered a false confession either due to some sort of delusional mental state or out of a desire to get attention. (Boy, you’d figure that he could have found a better way to get some attention. Ever heard of E-Harmony?)

After days of speculation about the guilt or innocence of Mr. Karr, the jury’s in. Which is to say, there’s no need for a jury, because Mr. Karr’s DNA doesn’t match that of the killer. (If only the Duke lacrosse team had it so easy!)

Now, dear reader, by the time you take a gander at this humble “post,” the Nancy Graces of the world will already have blabbed on about Mr. Karr for days. Perhaps the tabloids, now fed up with Mr. Karr’s phony confession, will have moved onto more pressing matters. Like Tom Cruise’s baby’s pictures.

Even so, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t think that we’ve had our fill of the discussion. We may be more than a bit late on this issue, but we believe we must bring up something pertaining to the John Mark Karr brouhaha that really needs an airing.

Our particular concern can best be related in the form of a plea to Mary T. Lacy, the embattled and seemingly inept District Attorney for Boulder, Colorado. You see, Ms. Lacy currently finds herself on the hot seat because it was she who cooked up the whole Karr case in the first place. And now, media firestorm and thousands of dollars later, this lunatic has embarrassed her by being perfectly innocent.

But we think that Ms. Lacy can make things better for herself with the disgruntled citizens of Boulder and make the streets of the world safer in one fell swoop. Here’s what she must do: Arrest John Mark Karr anyway, and compel a judge to put him away for many, many years.

Now, we’d imagine that Mr. Karr already has some legal problems, since he wound up in Bangkok due to his jumping of bail on a child pornography charge. That, of course, is no worse a charge than any Kennedy has mustered, but it’s not a clean record nonetheless.

If you ask us, a few years for kiddie porn just isn’t enough. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” firmly believe that Mr. Karr requires immediate, long-term incarceration for the sin of being extremely creepy.

Now we know what all our ACLU boosters are going to say. That’s illegal! That’s undemocratic! That’s wrong! After all, if you could lock someone up for being creepy, Mickey Rourke would have rotted away in solitary confinement years ago.

But hear us out. We’re darned sure that John Mark Karr is up to no good. Sure, he may not have killed JonBenet Ramsey. He may not have even stolen the space between “Jon” and “Benet.” Yet mark our words: That fellow doesn’t have a bright future ahead of him, and he’s sufficiently creepy to earn our vote for future child molester.

So, come on, Ms. Lacy. Everyone thinks you’re a schmuck anyway. Why not send this oddball to prison for some ghastly sentence and protect our kids? That’s what Alberto Gonzalez would do.