Movers

It’s been some time, dear reader, since we dropped our quotidian political polemics in favor of excoriating an apolitical subject. With all the hubbub surrounding Israel’s pesky desire to exist, we haven’t had much of a chance to take aim at a non-partisan topic.

Until, that is to say, now. Recently, a long time confidante of the crack young staff—let’s just call him “Chip”—experienced the joys associated with hiring a moving company to lug his belongings to his new abode. And, from “Chip’s” bitching on the telephone, we can safely say that we hope to stay put for a long time to come.

Naturally, everything associated with moving is a hassle: Informing the editors of Cat Fancy and Feminist Karate Monthly of your new address; hiring a moving company; packing up your stuff. And yet the right moving company can make the average hassle into an extraordinary disaster.

Now, we suppose we should note right off the bat that nobody will ever be as careful about moving your belongings as you will be. It doesn’t matter if you’re a 90 pound weakling or as powerful as Pee Wee Herman.

And there’s a good reason for this. In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have labeled it our Official First Rule of Moving: It’s not their stuff.

This might sound like a rather obvious rule, but it’s the key to realizing that any movers are bound to do a bad job. It’s sad, but it’s true.

Did the movers treat your boxes of books as the Turks treated the Armenians? Of course: It’s not their stuff. Did they “mistakenly” drag your bed on the pavement? Certainly: It’s not their stuff. Did they prop your broken furniture against a wall, in the hope that you wouldn’t notice the massive damage they wrought? Naturally: It’s not their stuff.

Further, although moving companies make it extremely easy for you to buy their services, they make it extremely difficult to collect on damages they caused. And, of course, they tend to be about as timely as Lindsey Lohan on a movie set.

Ah, it’s simply marvelous: You’ve just arrived at your new home, and, in addition to all the other irritants you must deal with, your furniture now resembles that of a refugee camp. All this for the price of a modest used car. Does it get any better than this?

If you ask us, hardworking folks should band together and head to the homes of moving company CEOs. Nothing says “payback” quite like a rowdy mob treating the CEOs’ belongings like Allied treated theirs.