July 07, 2006

Unsolicited Advice to a North Korean Tyrant

As the entire world must know by now (save, of course, Paris Hilton), Kim Jong-il, the authoritarian nightmare in charge of the failed police state known as North Korea, fired off a few test rockets, including one technically possessing the range to land in the western United States. The talking heads, naturally, have been all abuzz over this, and much ink has been spilled regarding how to handle the latest bad deed of this pint-sized kleptocrat.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” magnanimous lads and lasses that we are, decided to forgo the typical braying about the menace of North Korea, in favor of offering a little unsolicited advice to this Joe Pesci of world leaders. As we always say, if you can’t help ruthless maniacs, whom can you help? Oprah?

As such, we decided to send the following missive to Kim Jong-il (and, yes, we have his address—that’s one of the perks of being Internet bigwigs):

Dear Kim Jong-il:

Your recent missile-launching stunt has caused quite a stir, and we presume that this makes you very pleased. At last, no one’s talking about the Mad Mullahs in Iran—those B-List terrorists! No, the Western world can’t stop discussing you, your evil cronies, and your impoverished country. We imagine that your mother must be proud.

We must respectfully submit, however, that you really could have done a better job. And we don’t just mean the fact that your “long-range” rocket essentially failed its test and had a shorter range than Tori Spelling.

Rather, we’re referring to the name you gave this missile: Taepodong 2. Now, never mind the whole “2” part, since it’s irrelevant; we presume the Taepodong 1 was an even greater failure. Its the “Taepodong” part to which we draw your attention.

You see, to Americans, “Taepodong” sounds much like another way of saying “kind of penis.” We know, we know: It’s crazy. But it’s true, and you needn’t be a diehard Freudian to recognize this. All you require is passing familiarity with English, which even most American high school students possess.

Frankly, no one’s going to take you seriously with this kind of weaponry. If you want to shed your ersatz Asian Elvis impersonator image in order to appear tough, “Taepodong” just isn’t going to cut the mustard. You might as well name the rocket “Kind-o-shaft,” “Big-old-cock,” or, worse yet, “Elton John.”

In short, “Taepodong” just isn’t Axis-of-Evil caliber. It’s more like a Mozambique-level menace. Get a cool name—like “Chuck Norris 2”—and you’ll really cause some heads to roll.


The Crack Young Staff of THMQ

PS: Also, Kim’s kind of a girly name. Just thought you ought to know.

Posted at July 7, 2006 12:01 AM | TrackBack