June 06, 2006
A Proposition for Hot Teachers
Okay, here’s something that’s ticked us off for a long time. Every few weeks, it seems, the media get all worked up about another hot middle-school teacher who’s screwing her fourteen-year-old student. For some reason or other, this gorgeous female pedagogue simply loves her little adolescent; she’s never met anyone who rocks her world quite like this worldly teenager.
What gives? If you ask us, this whole situation makes no sense. What’s more, it is downright enraging.
And this is not, mind you, merely a male point of view. As longtime readers of this humble “weblog” well know, around 47 percent of the crack young staff is female, and the distaff staffers are equally miffed that these attractive lasses go for the inappropriately underaged.
It’s just bizarre. As much as contemporary feminists hate to admit it, good-looking women are treated like royalty in this country. In fact, that’s why other women become contemporary feminists: They yearn to get back at men for considering them less-than-comely. If you ask us, we inhabit a matriarchy—a matriarchy run by the young and attractive.
Accordingly, hot schoolteachers cavorting with lil’ kiddies is mind-boggling. Who in his (or her) right mind would suggest that such vixens couldn’t find suitable dating partners? Most women with one leg and a kickstand can find some doting slob, for crying out loud.
So why are these femme fatales troubling themselves with such jailbait? If our estimation of women is correct, these fetching lasses should be hunting down a disgustingly wealthy husband, so that she can divorce him and take all his money before her looks start to fade.
But we didn’t compose this “post” merely to offer the typical ruminations of skeptical guys and unappealing women. (Although, as you can see, that was part of the point.) Rather, we have a proposition to make.
If you, dear reader, are a hot middle school or high school teacher about to begin a relationship with one of your pupils, we humbly suggest that head over to the Hatemonger’s Quarterly Headquarters and date one of the crack young staffers instead. Admittedly, it’s not necessarily a very appetizing option: All of the male staffers are bald and all of the females are grad students, and therefore ugly: QED.
But think of all the benefits. From nearly a minute of brainstorming, we came up with the following list of impressive perquisites:
The Official List of Perquisites for Hot Middle-School Teachers Dating Crack Young Staffers Instead of Their Teen-Aged Pupils:
1) You won’t be arrested.
2) Bill O’Reilly won’t devote a segment of his television program to making ego-withering commentary about you.
3) You can have conversations with your significant other that go past the level of “Yeah, Coldplay is totally pimp.”
4) Being seen in public with your new date is at least slightly less embarrassing.
5) After dinner out on the town, you can go to his place or yours.
Admittedly, dear reader, dating a crack young staffer—unlike dating your twelve-year-old student—isn’t going to land you a spot on “Larry King Live.” But who under 145 watches that show?
