The Dumbest Sportscaster

Americans are pragmatic people. When they rack their brains to think of a suitable answer, you can bet that the question that troubles them pertains to some no-nonsense topic. Like “What’s the best kind of car insurance that doesn’t feature appalling and appallingly regular advertisements?” Or “If Darwin is correct, why can Nancy Grace walk erect?”

But no query vexes Americans quite like the following: “Who is the world’s dumbest sportscaster?” For sports fans from coast to coast (and even in Hawaii), this brain-teaser may not have an answer.

After all, there are so many responses that seem correct. How about Joe Morgan, for crying out loud? All this genial lamebrain does is spout nonsense that a complete baseball novice can utter. When someone strikes out, Joe Morgan will say, “Well, players strike out sometimes. That’s how the game goes.” Oh, gee, thanks, Joe. We never could have figured that out on our own.

Yet maybe Joe Theisman is even more obtuse. If you ask us, this guy has had his hairdryer on stun one too many times. Listening to him makes one pine for the genius that is John Madden.

Even so, a comment one of our senior editors—let’s just call him “Chip”—heard the other night sealed the deal. It made it crystal clear as an azure sky who is the most addlebrained sportscaster. In fact, we don’t even think it’s a close call.

Now, don’t get us wrong, dear reader. We realize that it isn’t easy to talk on television or radio for a few hours and not say something dimwitted. The life of a sportscaster may not be as trying as that of a coalminer, but it’s probably no walk in the park either.

Still, this single remark is so jaw-droppingly dumb that we simply can’t help but conclude that its utterer is a nincompoop. This sportscaster is to stupid what Billy Packer is to mean-spirited. If you catch our clever analogy.

On the evening of May 12, 2006, when offering color commentary on the Los Angeles Clippers versus Phoenix Suns game, Bill Walton offered the following remark:

Elton Brand represents everything that’s good in the NBA—and in the world.

Oh, dear. Now, the first part of this statement may well be true. But it ain’t much of a compliment, when your competition for goodness is Ron Artest and Alan Iverson. Still, we’re willing to believe that Elton Brand is the Mother Theresa of the National Basketball Association.

But the world? What the heck is Bill Walton talking about? Geez: Elton Brand is a college dropout. So, we suppose, is Bill Gates, but should we really be encouraging such behavior in our children? We collectively think not.