More Annoying College Students

Anyone who’s anyone knows that college students are among the world’s most annoying people on the globe. After all, what’s to like about these self-important, coddled twits? Yeah: We couldn’t think of anything either.

Most of them enjoy reveling in the fiction that their lives are horrifyingly hectic. Ah, yes: Two full classes a day and an hour of skipped homework; that should earn you the skills necessary to take on a far less demanding job—like secretary of state. You’ve got one five-page paper to write this semester, Karen: Don’t overwork yourself.

And then there’s the disgusting sense of entitlement these 19-year-old nitwits exude. Their daddies and mommies are flipping the bill for their introduction to what we call “The Three Ds”: dipsomania, druggery, and date rape; accordingly, they feel as if they deserve stellar grades simply for making an appearance at a few classes and keeping from vomiting on the desks.

If you ask us, all American college students should be forced to work in a coalmine for a year before being allowed to step on campus. That’ll teach those pampered dimwits.

Since the average university student is so irksome, it may be difficult to pinpoint particular sub-species of them that especially enrage. It’s kind of like determining the worst among a gaggle of Taliban enthusiasts. (Actually, if you are picking college students at Yale, it’s just like determining the worst among a gaggle of Taliban enthusiasts.)

Even so, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have recently found ourselves especially bothered by one sort of college kid. He may not be the worst of the bunch, but he’s horrid nonetheless.

We refer to the stupid white kid with curly hair who, midway during his sophomore year, decides to cut loose, and, as a semi-joke, lets his hair bush out into a ridiculous looking white-boy afro. You know the kind of guy we mean: The fellow who turned up on orientation day wearing Hush Puppies and a sweater vest, and now wants to demonstrate how “cool” (read: Drugged-out) he has become since his freshman year.

Gosh, how stupid can you get? These idiots are always around 6’5” and weigh about 125 pounds. This, naturally, ensures that their ridiculous haircut makes them look like a novelty pencil.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hope to God that this pathetic tonsorial scheme to seem hip fails wretchedly with the ladies. In fact, if such a desperate attempt to land a chick actually works, we think it’s a sign of the approaching apocalypse.