Pump Us Full of Lead—or Unleaded

Well, dear reader, as hard as it may be to imagine, we’re in a terrible mood today. But, we must add, there’s a darn good reason. Just this morning, we took our fleet of gray Honda Civics to the local petroleum dispenser to fill them full of what we call gasoline, and what Kitty Dukakis calls brunch.

Perhaps we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are the only ones who’ve noticed this, but it’s true nevertheless: Gasoline prices are outrageous these days. In fact, they’re so awful that, when we were filling up our cars, we had the peculiar feeling that we were in some God-forsaken country with horrid petrol prices. Like France.

A quick perusal around Al Gore’s World-Wide Web has informed us that Americans of different political persuasions cite different causes for the obscene cost of gas. Our liberal friends blame President Bush and his dubious relations with various oil barons and Saudi sheiks. Our conservative friends blame the US government, which apparently adds a hefty tax to our gas bill, driving up the price.

It seems as if we have to choose who’s the cause of this mess. Is it the likes of Halliburton? Or is it the fault of the likes of the Democrats in Congress, who probably use our beloved gasoline tax to buy heroin for illegal immigrants?

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble (except, of course, for John Travolta’s), but we simply don’t feel like taking sides on this one. After all, why must we choose between odious Saudi sheiks and tax-loving mis-managers as the objects of our contumely? We can’t think of a reason either.

In fact, we hereby declare that we loathe everything about this mess. And we blame absolutely all parties involved: OPEC; Pat Riley (who uses all that oil in his hair); Ryan Seacrest (isn’t Vaseline made from petroleum?); &c.

But let’s not allow our newfound disgust at this situation keep us from expanding our umbrella of hate, if you will. There’s no reason to stop here. We think gas stations in general need a good drubbing.

We mean, come on: Their attached convenience stores are normally an even bigger rip-off than the gasoline. And why the heck do the owners of these things think that Slim-Jim’s make suitable decorations for them? Doesn’t anyone else realize that they taste disgusting?

Don’t get us started about the magazines in gas station convenience stores. The periodicals rack at such establishments are for the type of people who think People is just a tad highbrow.