Enchanting, Bewitching Pornography?

(Note: The following “post” contains some naughty—and intriguingly spelled—words. If either uncivil curse words or alarmingly poor spelling trouble you, we suggest you skip today’s humble musing.)

Like darn near all those with e-mail accounts, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” routinely receive pornographic “spam” messages. And we detest them—they’re even worse than those goofy e-missives from purported Nigerian bankers and supposedly helpless Middle Eastern imams.

Normally, we delete these pieces of e-detritus immediately. Yet a recent perusal of our “bulk” e-mailbox led us to some interesting discoveries. Not, we suppose, earth-shattering, but worth mentioning nonetheless.

We noted that numerous pornographic e-mail exhortations contain strange language in their titles, undoubtedly in order to elude “spam filters” and other hi-tech gizmos designed to remove these Internet eyesores from our e-mail accounts. To be honest, we found the titles of the messages sufficiently peculiar to cause us to wonder whether they’re really doing the trick.

For instance, someone named Stella sent us (and three squillion other people, no doubt) an e-epistle with the following heading: “radiant Youngesst gay in hard fuucking.” Odd, is it not? Never mind the fact that dear old Stella has more spelling troubles than Dan Quayle. And let us forget the peculiar capitalization—that’s not even correct in German.

Instead, allow us to focus on the word “radiant.” “Radiant”? Why did she trouble herself to write “radiant”? We suppose it’s a potentially effete word, but isn’t it a bit highfalutin under the circumstances? And wouldn’t “enchanting” be gayer?

Or how about another porn “spam” from one Lucille Sadler? Its title asks: “Do you like exquisite Gaay doing interesting blowjobb?” Uh: “Exquisite”? Is Lucy attempting some sort of Oscar Wilde imitation? And who, for crying out loud, likes a “blowjobb” labeled “interesting”? That ain’t a compliment in our books.

But they get even worse. Brad Hackett sends us the following: “esthetic Young Hussies so refined and young.” What in the good Lord’s name is this? Suddenly, e-mail pornographers have a great regard for esthetics. Further, we hardly find it surprising that the “Young Hussies” are “young.”

In fact, if you’re going to offer such inscrutable pap, you might as well go all out, as does a message from one Harvey Kennedy. (Gosh: A Kennedy! How far has a once-mighty family fallen!) It reads: “Young Lady so dishy and better-looking.”

Never mind how cute she is; we like our chicks as “dishy” as they can get.