Hunting with Mr. Sulzberger

“Here’s one way to kill a cow: take it into the woods in hunting season, paint the word ‘deer’ on it and stand back.” Thus begins a March 29 staff editorial in The New York Times. The topic of said editorial? No, not the barbarity of hunting. Not even gun control.

Rather, the piece discusses the current immigration bills being bandied about in the House and Senate. Unbelievable, isn’t it? But believe it; the very next sentence of the article reads “Something like that is happening in the immigration debate in Washington.”

Huh? “Something like” painting the word “deer” on cows in occurring in the nation’s debate on illegal immigrants? What the heck could be like that?

Well, according to the convoluted logic of the Gray Lady, opponents of the Specter bill are unfairly tarring it as a proposal for amnesty. And this, think the minions at the Paper of Record, is eerily similar to misidentifying a cow with a can of paint and a brush.

Color us unimpressed. Now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” consider ourselves fans of the Specter bill, and we don’t think it amounts to amnesty. Accordingly, we find ourselves in agreement with Gail Collins and her staff at the Times editorial page.

But could they concoct a more asinine way to get their point across? We collectively think not. If you can stomach it, read the moronic introduction again:

Here’s one way to kill a cow: take it into the woods in hunting season, paint the word “deer” on it and stand back.

Would that even work? Not, we think, with hunters who choose their targets based on more than the alphabet. Clearly, the folks at the Times aren’t exactly budding Ted Nugents.

We mean, come on: Think of all the clever ways you could murder a cow. Would the paint-the-word-“deer”-on-it idea ever creep into your head? Not in our collective noggin, dear reader.

In fact, we find the Times staff so inept at contemplating cow-icide, that we have decided to give them some humble suggestions on the topic. Thanks to us, never again will the Gray Lady embarrass itself in regard to cow murder.

After all, why should the blue-staters at the Times head out to some God-forsaken forest just to help a bovine creature kick the bucket? They can save a lot of time and hassle by slaying it in their more comfortable environs.

How about they force the cow to read Maureen Dowd columns? That ought to liquidate it awful quickly.