Censorious

Certainly you have heard the news that Russell D. Feingold (D-Wisconsin) introduced a measure in the Senate to censure President Bush. More specifically, Senator Feingold aims to scold the President because his surveillance program countenanced eavesdropping on suspected terrorists in the US who contact suspected terrorists abroad.

He informed the public of his intention on the ABC News program “This Week,” which undoubtedly ensured that the two dozen Americans who weren’t in church or watching “Meet the Press” heard about it.

Thus has Russ Feingold demonstrated that he isn’t in touch with voters outside of Madison food cooperatives. We’re sure he’s big with the tofu and soymilk crowd, but we have the sneaking suspicion that he’s not popular with those few other Americans who aren’t vegans. In fact, Senator Feingold is sufficiently barmy to suppose that his measure will receive “bipartisan support.”

Naturally, Senator Feingold hasn’t an iota of Republican support for his silly measure. And for good reason: As the press reluctantly reported, even Jimmy Carter—the Ramsey Clark of American presidents—conducted searches without official court authority. Perhaps Feingold will get around to censuring President Carter for his surveillance programs—once he has censured him for composing execrable poetry, of course.

Senator Feingold hasn’t even garnered the support of his Democratic colleagues. Senator Carl Levin (D-Michigan), the most prominent American elected representative from the powerful elfin lobby, responded to Feingold’s stunt as follows: “But even though I thought he was wrong, I would rather wait until the investigation is completed, which has now been started by the Intelligence Committee, before I go beyond that.”

Levin offered these remarks on CNN’s “Late Edition,” which means that exactly three people outside of Wolf Blitzer’s family caught them.

It’s not terribly often that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” agree with Carl Levin. Although we’d be among the first to admit that Mr. Levin is kind of cute and cuddly, we don’t tend to see eye to eye on much of anything. In fact, you’ll probably have to go back as far as the odious George Galloway’s testimony before a Senate subcommittee to find us proud of this rather Keebler senator.

Accordingly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have happened upon a way to celebrate this unexpected moment of concord: Censure Russ Feingold.

Doesn’t it sound like a delicious idea? We’ll get a motion passed through the Senate that formally castigates Senator Feingold for his noxious political grandstanding. It’ll excoriate him for his transparent and pathetic attempt to draw some attention to his soon-to-be-flailing presidential campaign. And it’ll reinforce the notion that sane Americans actually want to tap the ‘phones of those talking to Al Qaeda operatives.

We know what you’re thinking, dear reader: How are we ever going to get any backing for our proposal? Well, have no fear: We are happy to announce that our motion already has the same amount of Senatorial support as does Mr. Feingold’s.