Alienating Our Base, or One Reason We Hate People

As you may well know, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are regular Sunday essayists for the big-boy “weblog” Wizbang. Accordingly, each week we prepare an extra-special piece for the Wizbangers, and hope that they’ll enjoy it.

Unlike our own humble “weblog,” Wizbang accepts e-strollers’ “comments.” And this has led us to surmise that we’re about as popular as genital warts. Really, really big, itchy genital warts.

You see, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have always had an aversion to “comments.” Long ago, the e-stud Stephen Baldwin informed us that “comments” are well nigh useless: They simply allow idiots to one-up you or present various snarky, sub-literate opinions.

Oh, how right Mr. Baldwin is! For we have found that our humble “posts” at Wizbang have gotten various losers’ knickers in quite a twist. As such, we have taken our fair share of e-hits. Sad to say, perhaps, but it’s true.

Why, you may be wondering, would anyone take offense at the luminous animadversions of the crack young staff? A good question, that.

Well, it appears only a few of our “posts” have elicited such contumely. Interestingly, no one was troubled by our humorous take on homosexual rights activists. Apparently, this brand of delicate subject matter doesn’t offend.

But it seems as if excoriating Harry Connick Jr. and VH-1 is downright un-American to some of the boobs who read Wizbang. Accordingly, a bunch of chuckleheads who assuredly inhabit their parents’ basements have taken aim at us. They’ve even managed to call us—horror of horrors!—pretentious.

Frankly, dear reader, this makes us a bit peeved. Suitably peeved, in fact, that we’ve decided to risk “alienating our base” by mentioning some unfortunate truisms.

Whereas we have cultivated a good-natured, perceptive e-audience, many popular conservative “weblogs” are home to knuckle-dragging dipsticks. These moronic “dittoheads” can’t stomach any kind of criticism—unless it’s directed at Islamofascism, Hillary Clinton, or the French. Bring up anything else for obloquy, and all heck breaks loose.

Sundry conservatives, it seems, unapologetically extol Western civilization as superior, and thus hope to export some of its aspects elsewhere in the world, in order to limit human suffering. Sounds good to us. But make fun of the detritus of popular culture and numerous conservatives get all bent out of shape.

Sure, they appear to think, you can make sweeping judgments about cultures, but don’t you dare rip on “The Facts of Life”! If you do, you run the risk of being labeled “pretentious elitists.”

Or so a clown named "Starboard Attitude" charged in a response to our humble “post” on the horrors of VH-1. ("Starboard Attitude?" That's an awfully pretentious sobriquet.) This fellow found our argument boring, but troubled himself to compose numerous “comments” about it nevertheless. (He must lead a very exciting existence.) In short, he calls us a passel of snobs.

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” reply: You are a dipshit.

Gee, do you think that this retort is sufficiently demotic for this chucklehead?