March 09, 2006

Yanni Allegedly Not So New-Agey

Like all other sentient beings with ears, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” loathe so-called New Age music. Our antipathy for this pseudo-spiritual anti-music can best be relayed in joke form:

Question: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
Answer: New Age music.

Given our rightful distaste with this cultural detritus, you might figure that we’d be delighted by the following report from a highbrow rag called People Magazine:

Yanni Arrested in Alleged Domestic Dispute

New Age musician Yanni was taken into custody by authorities at his Florida home following an alleged domestic dispute Friday, the Associated Press reports.

Yanni, whose full name is John Yanni Christopher, was arrested at his home in Manalapan, Fla., after an altercation with his girlfriend, Silvia Barthes.

According to the police report, Yanni, 51, asked Barthes, 33, to leave his home Thursday night. When she tried to pack her clothes, a scuffle ensued.

The musician threw Barthes’s clothes on the ground and, according to the report, he grabbed her arms, shook her, and threw her on the bed and jumped on top of her. Yanni told officers that Barthes kicked him and injured his finger during the encounter.

To the untrained eye, this may seem like a delightful story: One of New Age’s foremost gurus is allegedly not so pacifistically, crystal-lovingly, inner-beauty-seekingly New Age after all.

Perhaps we’re a passel of pessimists, dear reader, but we just don’t see it that way. In fact, if you ask us, there are a number of upsetting things that this story highlights.

First, Yanni has a girlfriend. Take that in for a second, dear reader. This means that a woman actually wants to kiss and cuddle with a guy who makes John Tesh seem hip. To make matters worse, this lady is almost two decades Yanni’s junior.

Then there’s the matter of the actual charge. Sure, we’re happy to discover that Yanni has finally been charged with a crime. But an alleged domestic dispute? That’s all he gets after that noxious “Live at the Acropolis” album? If you ask us, that’s like charging Hitler with jaywalking.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” want to see him booked with a “crimes against humanity” rap. Couldn’t the feckless International Criminal Court drop its umpteenth Ariel Sharon prosecution and nail a real criminal like Yanni, for crying out loud?

In fact, we found only one thing to savor from this report. Ms. Barthes has allegedly—allegedly!—hurt Yanni’s finger. If that’ll keep him away from the keyboard for a while, we’ll send her a bouquet.

Posted at March 9, 2006 12:01 AM | TrackBack