The Hairless Jihad

By now, dear reader, you have undoubtedly heard about Mohammed Reza Taheri-azar, the recent graduate of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill who saw fit to drive a rented SUV into a crowded spot at his alma mater, hoping to run down as many infidels as he could find. Thankfully, this nutter didn’t hurt anyone seriously.

Although they had bigger fish to fry—like the umpteenth story on Pat Tillman that aimed at flinging mud at the United States Army—even the eminences at The New York Times saw fit to mention this horrid event.

Naturally, many people want to know what led Mr. Taheri-azar, this deranged whacko, to use a motor vehicle as a weapon. News reports have mentioned that this Iranian fellow informed the chief of university police at UNC, Derek Poarch, that he aimed to get back at the West for its treatment of Muslims. Apparently, the US has spent a great deal of time mowing down Mohammedans with Jeep Cherokees, and it was high time for Mr. Taheri-azar to respond in kind.

One wonders how UNC—a campus chock-a-block with anti-American professors chomping at the bit at the possibility of staging a “teach-in”—will treat this whole affair. Perhaps they’ll focus on the ways in which evil American imperialism compelled him to put his pedal to the metal. Or maybe they’ll see the whole things as a Zionist plot. Maybe a bed-ridden, comatose Ariel Sharon was pulling the strings?

Now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” suppose that conservatives will have a field day over this story. UNC, they’ll note, is not exactly a hostile environment for local jihadis: When the school isn’t whitewashing the history of Islam with its summer reading programs, its faculty is busy protesting the American war against the Taliban.

But we just don’t buy it. We mean, come on: He’s only one guy. Sure, he’s a complete loon. Yet this isn’t exactly stellar evidence of a university popping out majors in jihad with minors in chemical engineering. It’s only one case.

In fact, we’re pretty sure that jihadist longings had little to do with Mr. Taheri-azar’s evil rampage. If we’re correct, something else entirely is the cause.

So what is it? Well, examine a picture of this fellow. This is the face of a 22-year-old crazy person. Notice anything interesting?

Yep, that’s right. He’s balding. Really badly, in fact. And at 22, for crying out loud! This isn’t a fellow who’s going to get his paws on 72 virgins—here or in the afterlife! One gander at that chrome dome and the ladies will practically hand him their burqas.

Laugh at us all you want, dear reader, but we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” believe that Mohammed Reza Taheri-azar has what we call Mussolini Syndrome: Truculent anger at the world as the result of his unfortunate tonsorial fate.

Don’t think that’s possible? How else do you explain Bruce Willis?