The Olympics

Clever readers of this humble “weblog” may have noted that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have yet to discuss one of the most famous sporting events in the world—the Winter Olympics. Whilst other “webloggers” are nattering on about inebriated American skiers and Italians who drop their figure skating partners, we haven’t said a word about the whole kit and caboodle.

Perhaps you are wondering why. Perhaps not, but we’ll assume that you are, since it will help us make our segue. The answer is simple: We don’t really care for the Winter Olympics. In fact, we haven’t had any interest in watching the stuff at all.

Now, we must say that this has nothing to do with Bryant Gumbel’s infamous distaste for the Winter Games. Although it is Black History Month (or is that Black Herstory Month?), we can’t pretend that the supposed absence of black athletes makes the Winter Games a farce.

If you ask us, Bryant Gumbel—the whitest black man this side of Wayne Brady—ripping on the Games for being insufficiently black is a farce. You’re not exactly Shaft, Bryant.

Rather, we just don’t give a darn about the Winter Games. They’re hopelessly dull. We’d prefer to take in hours of 7-11 security tapes. At least they might offer some fleeting moments of action.

Whence comes our distaste from the Winter Games? First, every time we attempt to tune in, they’re featuring curling. And, dear Lord, curling is so stupid that we feel bad for Canada whenever we lay eyes upon it. Even a nation that produced Loverboy doesn’t need the flack for inventing curling. It’s shuffleboard for people with mullets, for crying out loud.

And then there’s the biathalon. Cross-country skiing and shooting? Are they making this stuff up? That’s about as sensible as a vegetarian restaurant-cum-taxidermist.

Let’s not get us started on figure skating. Sure, Olympic figure skating happily forces its competitors to use instrumental music to accompany their routines, and thus the world is spared listening to Patrick Swayze’s “She’s Like the Wind” and other feculent soft-rock ditties of which the figure skating world is so enamored.

Yet, if you ask us, this “sport” hasn’t been even mildly interesting since that white trash broad had a fellow competitor’s knee whacked. Now that’s entertainment, for cyring out loud.

So let the Austrians glory in their brightest moment of nationalism since the Anschluss. Allow the Finnish to pretend that their country is remarkable. And let Switzerland take in a brief moment of glory.

But for God’s sake don’t watch this garbage.