February 14, 2006
Yet Another Female Admirer
As you might well imagine, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have sundry fans. Nary a day goes by, it seems, in which some enthusiastic teenager or mildly confused sexagenarian doesn’t send us some sort of fan mail. “We love your warmhearted animadversions,” they scribble. Or words to that effect.
Interestingly, however, it is less common for us to receive an unadulterated love letter. Frankly, dear reader, we’re as miffed about that as you are.
We must stress, however, that it has occurred once before: A charming college gal sent us a delightful e-missive declaring her love for the entire crack young staff. Accordingly, we were a bit dismayed to discover from her “weblog” that this fetching vixen was actually dating. Talk about mixed messages, eh?
Well, dear reader, it has happened again: Another lass has written what can reasonably be taken as a love e-letter. Incidentally, the female members of the crack young staff—who account for nearly 47 percent of us—have been dismayed that no men have written of their undying affection for them. This may be related to the fact that the female staffers are all graduate students, and therefore ugly. Q.E.D.
Anyway, you are undoubtedly wondering who has penned an epistle detailing her crush on the crack young staff. The woman’s nom de guerre is bobgirrl, which, we feel, could either be very good or very bad. If you catch our meanings. And we think you do.
Ms. bobgirrl is the proprietor of a “weblog” entitled “1 Girl, 4 Martinis.” We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are inclined to think this is close to the correct ratio, although we must admit we’ve been partial to 3 Girls and 17 Martinis in the past. We suppose it depends on how much food the girls in question have had, and how much they weigh.
What follows, dear reader, is the text of the love letter, which Ms. bobgirrl has “posted” on her “website.” We have edited it ever so slightly for the purposes of cacophony:
Dear CYS of THMQ,
Is “Chip” single? I believe him to be my soul mate. I just know that he is handsome, intelligent, articulate, funny, hates cats, and can hold his liquor. These are all qualities I look for in a man. I know that “Chip” does not belong in any of the buckets.
I spent 2 hours this afternoon sending him subliminal messages with my phone number (867-5309), but all I've received in response are bounce-back messages.
Yours eternally,
Bobgirrl
P.S. - I've hired an attorney, Susan Winsalot, to fight the restraining order.
We know what you’re thinking, dear reader: Should we be scared? But there’s nothing to fear. Or, well, not that much.
To be honest, we’re not sure which one of us she’s fallen for. A senior editor? A junior editor? An intern? Nah, probably not an intern, unless she’s kind of Clintonian.
We’re sorry to disappoint the fetching Ms. bobgirrl, but we must admit that none of the male crack young staffers can hold his liquor. We always get a chick to do it for us; they’re like human coasters, if you ask us. (And you kind of did.)
We also found it a bit odd that our suitor hasn’t gotten her ‘phone number correct. She appears to have mixed it up with our old pal Tommy Tutone. Man, that happens all the time.
