The Right to Freshman Composition

As you may well imagine, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are huge fans of The Nation, America’s magazine for supporters of the unelectable wing of the Green Party. We don’t know what’s better about this inimitable rag: The quality of its articles or the quality of its paper. Right now, signs point to “paper.”

It should come as no surprise to learn, then, that one of the junior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—was recently perusing the February 6 number of said publication. This particular issue—for those of you benighted enough not to have read it—features a section loftily entitled “An America Restored: An Alternative State of the Union.”

It offers a number of typically unrealistic solutions for our country, as proposed by such beacons of pragmatism as Dennis Kucinich. Accordingly, its title comes across as a bit odd, for by “America Restored” they seem to mean an America that caves in to Al Qaeda, eschews the War on Terrorism, and implements socialism. Not much of a “restoration,” that.

One particular segment of this feature struck “Chip” as especially interesting, albeit in a way unintended by its author. It has been penned by Jesse Jackson Jr., the congressman son of that paragon of rectitude and integrity, Jesse Jackson, and an unknown mother to whom Rev. Jackson offers payola with American taxpayer funds.

It begins as follows:

”The vote” is a human right. It is seen as an American right. In a democracy there is nothing more fundamental than having the right to vote.

Uh, we have one rather obvious question: Did Jesse Jackson Jr. attend college? Did he ever take a freshman composition class? This opening paragraph simply reeks of the late-night ramblings of a seriously inebriated 18-year-old.

We mean, come on: It’s got all the tell-tale signs. It goes absolutely nowhere, vaguely repeats itself, and is about as stylish as acid-wash knickers. In fact, we half expected to see the following sentence directly following it: “Being the fact that voting is American, it’s a right in democracy.” Ah, now that’s some Grade-A illiteracy!

Naturally, Jesse Jackson Jr.’s piece ends with a bang:

It’s time to stand up and insure every American’s right to vote to have that vote fully protected and to have it fairly counted.

Oh, for crying out loud! Are there any editors who work at The Nation? Is their union on strike?

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” firmly believe that Congressman Jackson, rather than nattering on about voting rights, ought to insist on a constitutional amendment regarding basic writing skills. It may not be as politically charged, but we think it will prove more helpful.