January 20, 2006
Absolute Peace Has Never Been So Easy
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” love to spend part of our Sundays reading The New York Times Book Review. Where else can you read snotty dismissals by Wonkette, a young woman who appears to have excelled merely at picking her nose and eating it? Alas, the answer to that question appears to be Nowhere.
As a result, you will be thoroughly unsurprised to learn that one of the junior staffers here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—was blithely perusing the most recent number of the Book Review. Whilst flipping through the pages, “Chip” came upon a rather curious advertisement.
Directing readers to a “website,” in part it read:
FREE BOOKLETS ON “Four Steps to Absolute Peace” Project Now Available from JAPAN
“The Selected Works of Prof. Dr. Hisatoki Komaki—Four Steps to Absolute Peace” (With 300 Nobel Prize winners and University Presidents all over the world) may be summarize as follows:- [sic]
Goal I: Global Disarmament under Federal World Government (by 2015)
Goal II: Total Abolition of meat-diet, animal experiments, and insecticides (RIGHT NOW, or by 2050)
Goal III: Abolition of mutual killing of wild animals, fishes, or insects through their population control (by 2090)
Goal IV: Complete Salvation (smooth spiritual growth) of all the spiritual beings of the Whole Universe, of all dimensions: Fulfillment of Ultimate Creator’s purpose of “The Creation of the Universe”.
Now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are as dedicated as anyone to the “Complete Salvation (smooth spiritual growth) of all spiritual beings of the Whole Universe, of all dimensions.” But, regarding the Good Doctor Komaki’s goals, color us skeptical.
We don’t mean to quibble here, but we find it somewhat unlikely that we shall all live under a Federal Word Government by 2015. Further, the fact that Dr. Komaki’s “website” dates the completion of Goal I to 2010 doesn’t inspire us with much confidence. Why did he have to backdate his original goal? Can’t the FWG (as we call it) be up and running in 2010? What’s the snag?
As if this weren’t sufficiently troublesome, we noted that Dr. Komaki’s ad refers approvingly to “Rev. and Mrs. Sun Myung MOON.” We don’t mean to cast aspersions at the Moonies (or at the Moon, for that matter), but we tend to be wary of their work. And yes, this includes The Washington Times.
Yet perhaps the most uninspiring element of Dr. Komaki’s advert is its appallingly poor grasp of English grammar. Is this the kind of prose we can expect from the FWG? If so, we don’t think it’ll prove very effective.
Accordingly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hereby offer our own list of goals for Dr. Komaki. They may not be as grandiose as those put forth in his advertisement, but we think they’re far more obtainable.
FREE BOOKLETS ON “Four Steps to Not Being a Complete Laughingstock” Project Now Available from AMERICA
“The Selected Works of the Crack Young STAFF—Four Steps to Not Being a Complete Laughingstock” (With No Nobel Prize Winners or University Presidents from all over the world) may be summarized as follows:
Goal I: Learn how to craft sentences in English (by 2015)
Goal II: Stop capitalizing unnecessary words (Right NOW, or by 2050)
Goal III: Don’t refer to the Moonies in your footnotes
Goal IV: Complete salvation (smooth spiritual growth), or, failing that, retirement (by 2075)
