January 18, 2006

Pat Robertson’s Future Meae Culpae

Those who follow the ins and outs of American politics undoubtedly recognize that Pat Robertson has gotten into some hot water of late. Reverend Robertson, of course, is the face behind the quasi-news program “The 700 Club,” presumably named for the number of Americans Mr. Robertson has failed to alienate over the years.

Naturally, the foolish slips of Mr. Robertson are only newsworthy because the mainstream media incorrectly label Mr. Robertson a man of talismanic power among the much-maligned Christian Right. Such media outlets appear not to have noticed that Christian conservatives are actually capable of thinking for themselves, and do not hang upon Mr. Robertson’s every word.

Still, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” must admit that Mr. Robertson has recently uttered some rather unfortunate things. First, he heartily recommended that the United States of America assassinate Hugo Chavez. Even for those itching for the murder of this tin-pot Castro, this must have seemed like a bad strategic move. After all, why announce that you would like someone killed? Won’t that help the enemy a bit?

As if this weren’t moronic enough, more recently Mr. Robertson opined that God may have smote Ariel Sharon because Prime Minister Sharon gave up the Gaza Strip to those peaceable Palestinians. Thankfully, Mr. Robertson apologized for this odious remark, which seemed eerily similar to those of Palestinian terrorists—excuse us, militants—who praised God for Sharon’s stroke.

This pattern of unfortunate pronouncements may have led you to wonder, dear reader, what repellent remarks will Mr. Robertson utter in the future. And, since Mr. Robertson has already apologized for his previous transgressions, you may also wonder for which future remarks will he apologize.

Well, dear reader, wonder no longer. The Official Prognostications Department here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has all the answers. Below you’ll find a list of utterly awful utterances Mr. Robertson will utter. Attached you will also find Mr. Robertson’s profuse apologies, so that he can officially take back his words even before he’s offered them.

Without too much in the way of further ado, then, the Official Prognostications Department is pleased as lil’ piggies to present:

Apologies for Pat Robertson’s Future Remarks:

1) Mr. Robertson would like to apologize for suggesting that Joe Biden is “the spawn of Satan.” Of course, Senator Biden is only distantly related to Satan, on his mother’s side.

2) Mr. Robertson would like to apologize for inferring that the Ronco Food Dehydrator is a perfect gift for your favorite fellow Christian. The Food Dehydrator, of course, is a poorly wrought piece of garbage, and the gift-giving value of a machine that makes sub-par “Turkey Jerky” is limited at best.

3) Mr. Robertson apologizes profusely for stating that “Osama bin Laden is the Irish Ted Kennedy.” It is Senator Kennedy, of course, who is Irish.

4) Mr. Robertson would like to apologize for suggesting that America should take over Mexico by force. That, of course, would not be worth it.

Posted at January 18, 2006 12:01 AM | TrackBack