The Ten Things We Hate About Heath Ledger, or Heath Takes Off His Chaps

By now, dear reader, you have likely heard of Brokeback Mountain, perhaps the world’s first cowboy film dedicated to propagandizing for Alan Keyes’ much-touted radical homosexual agenda. It sounds like a charming picture, if you ask us. Leather, branding, cattle prods, sodomy—what’s not to enjoy?

Quite frankly, though, our Official Film Critic gave the movie a pass. He figured that he already knows that You’re Here and You’re Queer, and, to be honest, He’s Used To It. So there’s no reason to waste one’s time watching a Clint Eastwood meets Richard Simmons film. (What’s next: Dirty Harry Is Sweating To the Oldies?)

All the same, dear reader, our failure to take in this picture hasn’t stopped us from griping about it. In general, our lack of knowledge about a given topic will never stop our pontificating. In this respect, we’re kind of like Bill O’Reilly, only with less hair and less money. And no sexual harassment charges. (You win some, you lose some.)

Actually, we haven’t any bad words to say about the film itself. Rather, we were bothered by the recent career moves of one of the stars of Brokeback Mountain, the pseudo-hunky Heath Ledger. This fellow, the most fetching actor from Down Under since Mel Gibson's Holocaust-denying father, has officially irked us. Not content to play mildly retarded dipsticks in teen films such as The Ten Things I Hate About You, Mr. Ledger seems to be in everyone’s pants of late. For not only is he a randy homosexual cowboy in Brokeback Mountain, he is also the eponymous star in the upcoming film Casanova.

So what, you may be asking yourself, is so outrageously upsetting about that? Who cares about the libido of a middling Australian thespian? Aren’t there more nettlesome problems in Hollywood these days—like Julia Stiles?

Well, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have the sneaking suspicion that Mr. Ledger compelled his agent to land him a hetero-heartthrob role in a movie to appear soon after Brokeback Mountain. That way, he wouldn’t ruin his enormous straight-boy street cred’ by deigning to play an effete cowboy.

How pathetic! This glitzy star can’t fully handle playing a gay guy, and so he has to run to his Casanova act right afterward! Come on! Perhaps someone’s not so secure in his sexuality, Heath?

After enduring umpteen hours of purportedly anti-homophobic propaganda from gay activists and liberal film critics thanks to the appearance of Brokeback Mountain, it’s a tad humorous to realize that this propaganda would be better directed at Mr. Ledger instead. We get it, Heath: You can play a gay character and not be gay yourself.

Unfortunately for you, you can play a gay character and a straight character, and still be a bad actor. Why don’t you try to think through that brain-teaser?