April 12, 2004

Introducing “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Summer

Introducing “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Summer Internship Program!

As the whole World-Wide Web must know by now, dear reader, the First Annual Week of Loathing (April 4th-10th, 2004) has ended, and was a splendid success. The Wall Street Journal reported on Friday that Gillette stock was down slightly—a downturn that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” would like to attribute to our scabrous attack on its feculent “The Best a Man Can Get” campaign (Week of Loathing, Day the Fourth).

While things were returning to normal around the office—the “Week of Loathing” balloons were taken down, we returned the “Week of Loathing” blimp back to our friends at Goodyear, &c.—and we reverted to our regular weekday publishing schedule, something occurred to us. A few senior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” were answering our voluminous emails, and a thought came to us: We are the big-wigs at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”; what the heck are we doing responding to fan-mail? We haven’t toiled away in the Internet publishing racket for well-nigh over a fortnight to be caught wasting our time on such trivialities! But how, we thought to ourselves, can we foist all the quotidian work on some starry-eyed, acne-faced dilettante, while we enjoy our well-earned sinecures? Then it collectively hit us: A “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Summer Internship Program!

You know the type, dear reader. A fancy ideological rag asks for applications (complete with CVs and recommendations) for a supposedly prestigious summer internship at their magazine. By means of some slick, mendacious advertising, the applicants are under the incorrect impression that they will be spending the summer chatting about the evils of George W. Bush with Katrina vanden Heuvel while drinking mint juleps and working on a lengthy lucubration to appear in the journal. In reality, of course, Ms. vanden Heuvel will never even set foot in her office, only spending time away from her fancy digs in the Hamptons in order to make sundry television appearances on “Scarborough Country.” The interns, of course, will spend most of their time taking out the trash, answering ‘phone calls, and…running the magazine. All for free: What a great summer!

It is in this spirit, dear reader (especially dear younger reader), that we offer this, our First Annual “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Summer Internship Program. Unlike the staffs of those more dubious intellectual publications, we here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” shall present the prospective applicant both our sleazy official call for applications and the truth about the “program.” The latter, in fact, shall appear in italics underneath each section of the official advertisement, so that our eager young interns-to-be will know exactly what to expect before they arrive. Without further ado, we, the crack staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are pleased to announce:

The First Annual “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Summer Internship Program:

Hey, kids, have you ever wanted to have an exciting summer, learning the ins-and-outs of the highfalutin publishing world? We too! On an entirely unrelated note, we are accepting applications for summer interns at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”! The summer internship program should be a great way for eager young journalists to spend a rewarding summer working on a world-renowned intellectual publication!

If you consider spending all day in a dank office, answering obnoxious ‘phone calls, and waiting until 6:30 pm for the stupid UPS guy to show up your idea of a good time, this summer internship scam is the “job” for you.

The successful applicants will spend quality time with the Nobel-Prize-winning staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” learning the ropes of the publishing world.

As summer interns, you probably won’t ever see the staff, as it shall be out enjoying the warm summer months on your dime. Perhaps once or twice a summer we’ll ask you to fax something to us, or we’ll tell you to take out our dry-cleaning. We also like those fruit bars with the real fruit in them; you’ll probably have to hit the bricks and get a few for us over the course of the summer. And, oh, by the way, we made up the part about the “Nobel-Prize winning staff”; not only has no one who works for “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” ever won a Nobel Prize, we have been handed a collective restraining order by the Swedish police to stay clear of the Nobel Prize Committee.

Our top-quality staff will guide you on your way to a thrilling career in the scintillating world of publishing.

”The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has about as much clout in the publishing business as Lyondon LaRouche’s in-house magazine. If you really want to impress people with your resumé, you might as well work for The David Duke Report, The Afro-centric Guide to Finland, or some other publication of greater standing.

Our summer interns will also have the opportunity to meet other up-and-coming journalists, and make useful, productive contacts in the publishing world.

As far as our mendacious advertising is concerned, this claim isn’t so phony: You might have a chance to meet a few summer interns—provided anyone else applies for the position. Trapped in an over-heated office building with such prospective contacts, however, you are more likely to want to throttle your fellow interns than befriend them.

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” provides a pleasant atmosphere for aspiring literati.

"The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” is a locus classicus of a hostile work environment. And don’t get any ideas about rising through the ranks by dating some of the regular staff members: All the men are short, fat, bald, ugly, and fetid; all the women are grad students.

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” is an Affirmative Action, equal opportunity employer.

Unlike pretty much every university and business in the Western hemisphere, we at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” realize that you can’t be BOTH an Affirmative Action AND an equal opportunity employer. So we shall be neither.

Send a statement of purpose, two recommendations, three suggestive Polaroids, copious stool stamples, and a curriculum vitae to hatemongersquarterly@yahoo.com. Allow two to eight months for the staff to reply to you. Applicants will have to supply their own rubber gloves.

On behalf of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” we hope that you can join us for the summer; without you, we might have to show up to work.

Posted at April 12, 2004 12:19 AM | TrackBack