April 14, 2004
Introducing the First Annual “Hatemonger’s
Introducing the First Annual “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition:
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” get endless amounts of joy from extremely opinionated college students. You know the type, dear reader: At the tender age of 18, our intrepid, hemp-clad pupil is trouncing the purported ridiculousness of Christianity. “It’s, like, so un-progressive,” he blathers. Apparently, our fearless collegian believes that he—not Augustine, not Thomas Aquinas—has unlocked the secrets of this millennia-old faith. And all as a freshman! Bravo!All across the country, college newspapers allow these pertinacious youngsters to pontificate. Somehow, these students believe that they have amazing insights to offer on the war in Iraq, gay marriage, globalization, &c. Sure, we all want to read the learned musings on world affairs penned by a junior from Indiana University of Pennsylvania. It’s like poring over the latest Maureen Dowd column—without all that irritating depth.
What, you may ask, can be better than (literally) sophomoric op-eds penned by college students? Why, putrid college-student poetry, of course. G.K. Chesterton famously quipped that calling free-verse poetry was akin to calling a ditch free-architecture. A few lines of tin-eared collegiate verse will have one clamoring to spend the rest of one’s life in a ditch—provided it is bereft of such poesy.
Does it sound, dear reader, as if we are overstating matters a bit? Clearly, you have not read much university poetry. Often crafted by females enraptured by their local Womyn’s Studies department, these exercises in juvenilia all seem to have the same deadly flaws: Poor grammar; hackneyed phraseology; utopian political sentiments; ghastly clichés.
In fact, the stuff almost writes itself. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can offer you an example: We call this charming ditty “We Are All Saddam”:
“We Are All Saddam” by The Crack Staff of "The Hatemonger's Quarterly"
Bombs bursting; children crying; blood running…
But we are all Saddam.
Cheney, Rice, Powell, Bush,
All the Jews who run Amerika…
But we are all Sadam [sic].
Who [sic] are we fighting? Who [sic] do we hate?
For we are all Saddam.
Pretty moving, isn’t it? Well, now that you have an idea of what brand of sludge we are discussing, we can formally announce:
The First Annual “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition!
We, the crack staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are calling for submissions of the most foul, most pathetic college-esque free-verse that our readers can muster. The grand prize shall be publication of the winning entry on “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” website, and possibly a free T-shirt with a logo of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” on the front, and a hastily scrawled message on the back that reads: “We Get More Hits Than Tina Turner.” As William Carlos Williams, Robert Frost, and e.e. cummings are all dead—and because Maya Angelou is alive—the official judge of the First Annual “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition shall be our favorite poet, Anonymous. For centuries, Anonymous has crafted some of the most vibrant poetry in Western culture. And he’s written some darn good hymns, too, if you ask us.
So what do you have to lose, dear reader? Wait for the muses to inspire you, and then send your submission to hatemongersquarterly@yahoo.com. Remember: Points will be deducted for proper spelling; poetry that demonstrates any sense of rhythm, assonance, and internal rhyme shall immediately be disqualified. All entries are due by 5pm, Eastern Standard Time on April 26th. Sponsored by “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”: Your Source for the World’s Worst Verse.
