May 24, 2004
We Don�t ? Bumper Stickers
We Don�t ? Bumper Stickers
A few days ago, one of our senior editors�let�s just call him �Chip��was driving his car to work, and came upon a most peculiar bumper sticker. It read: �I Walk the Path of the Ancient Ones.� Immediately, �Chip� thought to himself: You walk the path of the ancient ones? Come on, buddy, you drive a Chevy Malibu.When �Chip� informed the rest of the staff of this odd bumper sticker, it got us to thinking: We have never�and we mean never�seen a bumper sticker that wasn�t trite and irritating. And, among the lot of us, we�ve had a gander at plenty of �My Child is an Honor-Roll Student at Benedict Arnold Middle School� stickers.
In fact, we, the crack young staff of �The Hatemonger�s Quarterly,� will go so far as to suggest that bumper stickers are nothing but vehicular eyesores. They�re about as funny as Bob Saget on �America�s Funniest Home Videos� (season eight).
We know what you are thinking, dear reader: Sure, lots of bumper stickers are awful, but mine is great. We�re not so sure. What follows is merely a list of common bumper sticker bromides we�ve collectively encountered, and our collective, snarky response to them. If your car is emblazoned with any of the slogans listed below, we suggest you destroy your automobile�s back end. Or, better yet, buy another one.
�The Hatemonger�s Quarterly� Official List of Stupid Bumper Stickers and Our Staff�s Snarky Responses to Them:
1. �Peace is Patriotic�
Not if your country is currently being attacked, you stupid hippy.
2. �Jesus is My Co-Pilot�
Your fat wife is your co-pilot.
3. �My Other Car is a Ferrari�
Your other bumper sticker is funny.
4. �Subvert the Dominant Paradigm�
Okay, technically there is nothing funny about this apothegm. It�s just stupid.
5. "Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty�
Or, kill someone whose car boasts a pathetic maxim. But wait: Would this count as a �senseless act of beauty�?
6. �It Would Be a Great Day When Our Schools Have All the Money They Want, and the Defense Department Needs to Hold a Bake Sale to Buy a Bomber�
Yeah, that would be a great day�for the government of North Korea. Too bad it would probably be the last day that the United States of America existed. Also, could you purchase a bumper sticker that�s less catchy? Inevitably, the person sporting this bromide on his automobile sends his kids to private school. Do we smell hypocrisy?
Well, dear reader, there you have it�the official list. This does not mean that these are the only bumper stickers that are terrible; they're merely a few that came to mind. To turn Roger Kimball�s phrase, we feel about bumper stickers the way Orwell thought about saints: Guilty until proven innocent.
