May 24, 2004

We Don’t ? Bumper Stickers

We Don’t ? Bumper Stickers

A few days ago, one of our senior editors—let’s just call him “Chip”—was driving his car to work, and came upon a most peculiar bumper sticker. It read: “I Walk the Path of the Ancient Ones.” Immediately, “Chip” thought to himself: You walk the path of the ancient ones? Come on, buddy, you drive a Chevy Malibu.

When “Chip” informed the rest of the staff of this odd bumper sticker, it got us to thinking: We have never—and we mean never—seen a bumper sticker that wasn’t trite and irritating. And, among the lot of us, we’ve had a gander at plenty of “My Child is an Honor-Roll Student at Benedict Arnold Middle School” stickers.

In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” will go so far as to suggest that bumper stickers are nothing but vehicular eyesores. They’re about as funny as Bob Saget on “America’s Funniest Home Videos” (season eight).

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: Sure, lots of bumper stickers are awful, but mine is great. We’re not so sure. What follows is merely a list of common bumper sticker bromides we’ve collectively encountered, and our collective, snarky response to them. If your car is emblazoned with any of the slogans listed below, we suggest you destroy your automobile’s back end. Or, better yet, buy another one.

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official List of Stupid Bumper Stickers and Our Staff’s Snarky Responses to Them:

1. “Peace is Patriotic”

Not if your country is currently being attacked, you stupid hippy.

2. “Jesus is My Co-Pilot”

Your fat wife is your co-pilot.

3. “My Other Car is a Ferrari”

Your other bumper sticker is funny.

4. “Subvert the Dominant Paradigm”

Okay, technically there is nothing funny about this apothegm. It’s just stupid.

5. "Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty”

Or, kill someone whose car boasts a pathetic maxim. But wait: Would this count as a “senseless act of beauty”?

6. “It Would Be a Great Day When Our Schools Have All the Money They Want, and the Defense Department Needs to Hold a Bake Sale to Buy a Bomber”

Yeah, that would be a great day—for the government of North Korea. Too bad it would probably be the last day that the United States of America existed. Also, could you purchase a bumper sticker that’s less catchy? Inevitably, the person sporting this bromide on his automobile sends his kids to private school. Do we smell hypocrisy?

Well, dear reader, there you have it—the official list. This does not mean that these are the only bumper stickers that are terrible; they're merely a few that came to mind. To turn Roger Kimball’s phrase, we feel about bumper stickers the way Orwell thought about saints: Guilty until proven innocent.

Posted at May 24, 2004 12:01 PM | TrackBack