Introducing the “American Burqa Party”

Introducing the “American Burqa Party”

Now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are as progressive as the next Alan Keyes voter. But we can’t help but have a few quibbles with ladies’ summer fashions.

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: The crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” is a passel of puritanical prudes. To which we respond: Not so, not so. Yet we earnestly believe that the skimpy clothing the young gals sport these days is, as the feminists say, an expression of power.

Don’t believe us? Just walk down the street and stay attuned to the glances of various septuagenarian males. Ineluctably, they are fixed upon some 18-year-old girl clad in a pair of “Hooters” shorts and a tank top that exposes her midriff. Gee, that’s really fair: These doddering old-timers have a great shot at scoring these fetching college women.

Naturally, dear reader, the reverse is never the case: Superannuated females don’t waste their time drooling over a pack of twenty-something men. The stronger sex, then, is in need of great help; if not, life in America for the average male will be nothing more than the inspection of a seemingly endless parade of lower-back tattoos.

As a result, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aim to do our part to save humanity from the irksome phenomenon of scantily clad females. And we have come up with one idea that we think may just do the trick.

What, you must be asking yourselves, is this panacea? Well, it’s a new political party that we’ve called the “American Burqa Party.” Essentially, the party favors middle-of-the-road political solutions and one daring concept: According to the first platform in the Constitution of the American Burqa Party, all American women will be compelled to wear burqas.

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: The crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” is a gaggle of misogynists. But bear with us; nothing could be further from the truth. Our friends on the political Left will surely love the American Burqa Party because it is profoundly multicultural: After all, it gets its nomenclature from an element of the dress code under the Taliban. What’s not to like?

In addition, dear reader, American women will also reap great benefits from the American Burqa Party: No longer will they be compelled to eye other women jealously, finding fault with their own frames at (literally) every corner. Instead, women’s bodies will no longer serve as a low self-esteem factory.

Our more thoughtful readers are probably worried about the unintended consequences of forcing females into burqas. And, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” suppose there are a few: The marketing geniuses-cum-child pornographers at Abercrombie & Fitch will not be able to sell thongs to 11-year-olds anymore.

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: That’s a darn shame. And indeed it is. But, in this time of war, we must all make sacrifices. So, it’s out with the navel piercing, and in with the burqa. This way, both we and the terrorists can win.